Love Letter

Dear Cassandra,

You make me so happy.
The whiteness of your keyboard only illuminates your purity.
Your keys are soft and respond to my touch so quickly...it's effortless.
When I am on the phone with slow customer service agents, you ease my pain and frustration by pulling up information with agility and speed.
You soothe my brain with the many colors and techniques you offer on your screen.
I promise to take care of you and treat you with respect and love.
Our relationship will only grow with time.
You bring new worlds to me through your window of electronic data, and I am amazed at your ability to show me new worldly landscapes. You make work more enjoyable and aid me in my process of making the world a better place.
We are partners in crime, you and I. You are always ready to go as soon as I call on you, quickly waking up for the work we must embark upon daily.

Oh Cassy. I promise to cherish you.
How I love thee.

Leah

New Screen

I recently bought a MacBook. It rocks. I have many people in my life who swear by Mac's and feel they are a member of something bigger than them...and after holding my new toy in my hands for 3 days, I can tell you, it's true. I named my computer "Cassandra" after day 2, mostly because the white piece of brilliant machinery looked so cute sitting on my desk, I had to give it a name. (I talk to her anyway, I might as well have a way of catching her attention. I'm guessing she'll talk back one of these days.) I keep having conversations with friends about how amazing she is, how well she works and how excited I am to do work because of my new friend. She loads so quickly, her keys are soft and the screen is bright. Mostly I love her cause she's so full of memory. And that means that I won't have to keep so much in my head because she's holding it in hers.

When I get so involved in something that taps me into a cohort of a group, I become very committed, passionate and excited. And in the beginning, it stays on my mind. When I first come back from Israel, my eyes still think I am seeing men passing me in kippot and women wearing mogen david's. So since I have joined the Mac world, I keep thinking everyone around me is using a Mac also. I keep looking for the Apple when I pass by coffeeshops, discerning the PC users from the Mac users. I used to be in the PC club but I've joined a new one...

The most obvious moment I am in a land of obsession was last night when I was at dinner with my sister. There we were, having sushi on a humid Chicago night, catching up when I picked up on the conversation the women was having on her cell phone behind me. It sounded like she was giving someone directions, talking about expressways and choosing her words with a sense of urgency. I thought she was a member of the club when I heard her say, "Are you looking at your Mac?" My head snapped around, cutting my sister off mid sentence. No way! Even the woman in the restaurant behind me was in the Mac world! But as I turned back to my sister, jaw dropped, she was only laughing and shaking her head at me. "What?" I inquired. "She didn't say Mac," Rachel said. "She said MAP. Man, you are obsessed."

She's right. But like any proud member of a new club, I have to partake in my initiation ceremony, right?

Members of the Tribe

This past July, I spent a whole month in the amazing city of Jerusalem. I spent my days learning in classes on Judaism. I spent my evenings walking around the streets, meeting friends for dinner, shopping and observing the difference in cultures from my own. People watching is one of my favorite things to do in foreign environments. In short, it was of course phenomenal. I am often amazed when I find how quickly I adapt to new situations. This time was no exception. Every time I am in Israel, I get used to the many symbols that a Jewish state exists. It's comforting and familiar to see mezuzah's on office doorways, restaurants and households. The blessing for safe travel is above the exit door on every bus traveling from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv. There are hand washing stations set up at falafel stands so customers can wash before eating bread. And mostly, I notice the kippa's drifting, darting and dashing past me on the street. Women wearing skirts, sandals and scarves in their hair. The reason this is so interesting to me is that in Israel and Jerusalem specifically, you see such diversity in our people just from walking down the street. In America, in Diaspora, it's much more segregated. Your ideology tends to match the shul you frequent and most everything that goes along with that including laws on kashrut, shabbat keeping and how the prayers in synagogue will operate. Not so in Jerusalem. There is the inevitable celebration of diversity within religiousity and I find it to be exhilarating. Why? Because it's celebrating the gray. It's easy to see that being a person who is committed to a religious life comes in many shapes and forms. And that's a lesson for all of us who wander there. It's not about the rules you follow within the boundaries of your selected space. It's about what you bring to the table once you're there. And that permeates Jewish living in Jerusalem, evident in lay led prayer groups, regular Torah learning and practice of Kashrut. This is not to say the country does not face challenges among people or have a hard time meeting the needs of observant Jews. Like any other group, there are problems. Living in Israel is not perfect or meant to be looked at through rose colored glasses. But what excited me about interacting with those who live there is the freedom of individuals to be committed honestly and engaged in the process of living a Jewish life. The labels fall away. The boxes become less important. And your neighbor becomes a fellow human being and less a member with a pass to the same local center where you belong.

In a letter to a friend...

I've joined the better side of life. The Mac is amazing.
I woke up this morning and started talking to it and decided to take with me to work so it wouldn't be lonely.
I haven't decided on a name yet, so 'mac-ie' is the filler for now.
Such a fine piece of machinery should never be left alone to allow dust and debris to infiltrate it's delicately designed inner workings.
It is sitting on my desk right now, in all it's white glory.
iLife installed, Apple Protection in place, .Mac activated...
my sales rep shook my hand and said "welcome to the mac world'
and my life, professional and artistic, possibly even spiritual, will never be the same....

Friend's Response...

Welcome to the tribe.
I think that being a Mac user is a lot like
being Jewish. You are now part of a small,
influential group of computer users who are
working to make creative change in the world.
We all have faith that our Cohen Gadol, Steve Jobs,
will steer us in the right direction and
provide us with drool-worthy technology.
The most interesting thing about it is
that it's not quantifiable. The Mac experience
is just that. It's an experience. You can't
explain it by referring to CPU's, motherboards,
or RAM. It's just that feeling of things
working the way they should. No need
to worry about viruses, driver incompatibilities,
or blue screens of death. The Mac gets out
of your way and lets you do what you need
to do. Now it is still a computer and you will
have issues from time to time. But once
you go Mac, there's no going back! May you
use your new computer to shed light on the
world and fulfill your dreams.

On Being Ready

As I make my way through the day, I often find myself noticing other people. What they are wearing, conversations, shopping bags, etc...but I also notice things like wedding rings, children and if they have a significant other. These are lifecycle events that happen to people when they happen.
Usually my next thought is, 'hmm, how did they know?' 'How did they know what,' you ask?
How did they know they were ready? Or, were they ready?
So many things in our life have deadlines. Graduation season is always in May/June, time guides us through days to let us know when it's time to wake up and time to sleep, weekends come and go. 18 is the deadline for being a kid, 21 is the entry way to being an alchohol consuming adult, 13 is when you are considered an adult in the Jewish religion.
These events are all things we look forward to with sometimes equal trepidation and excitement, but they are all ways of telling us that we are ready for something new and big in our individual world.

And yet, as we get older, and those adolescent deadlines fade away and the decades of milestone birthdays loom in the distance, I have to wonder what it's like to be ready for the less tangible, most important passageways of all...the lifecycle events of finding a partner, getting married, narrowing a career focus and having kids.

I'm sure all the people in my path that I've seen who've entered these institutions have felt or decided they were ready for them. But wouldn't it just be nice if we got a memo to help us along in making those big decisions? Sometimes I want to go up to those people in the grocery store and say something like, "I love your engagement ring. I didn't get that memo. Could you tell me where to register? I want in on the secret."

That would be cool. Would people be more or less confident about these important choices or maybe make more educated decisions about such events? Probably. And it would be awesome to get a fax at work that read in big, 48 point letters, 'YOU ARE READY.' You co-workers might think you have direct lineage to G-d and would that be so bad?

But alas, my right brain imagination lacks reality for the moment.
However, I do know one thing...In terms of knowing when you are ready....I think we can 'just know' when we listen to our voice and if we work on that voice, it just might work for us. And as for the memo, well, since it's usually an external document anyway...that's what we have friends for....to listen, offer feedback and click YES when they agree that we are ready for new transitions.

Darrell's Gone Green

So those who know me well know that I have a definite crunchy side.
I love organic food, I'm vegan, I recycle and in general I think it's important to be conscious of my earth footprint. It is a core value. Therefore, it's important to me to have some sort of community to share these values.

In terms of a significant other, it is important to share ideals. When dating, it is a dance, an on going conversation between two people about life goals, interests and commonality. It is also a conversation negotiating differences. The question consistently remains: how do you know when those differences are too much to continue in the relationship?

A few weeks ago, Darrell decided to get rid of his car. At some point, dumping money into the cost of repairs become so much greater than the value of the car or the value of having the car. He was forced to terminate the relationship. (It's ok though, the Mazda 626 has found a new significant other, one who promised Darrell they would take great care of Betty--CarMax).

During the day when he was making this decision, Darrell kicked around his options. He could buy a new car. (Really expensive.) Lease a new car. (Higher payments than he was currently making.)Buy a used car. (Too many potential repairs.)
Our office phones rang off the hook as we bounced around solutions and problem solved together. As I left the office that day, well aware that we hadn't spoken in a few hours, I felt bad that he was stressed, might have to invest more money, give up his car that he loved....but I knew we would figure it out.

As I drove home, my cell phone rang just as I was winding around the best part of Lake Shore Drive, blue water in my peripheral vision. I picked it up.
"Hi Darrell!"
His voice on the other end was energy charged, clear he was excited about something. What, I had no idea...this had been a down day for him with his car problems and all...
"Lay, I'm going green!!!"
"What? What do you mean, you already recycle and ride your bike all the time..."
I quickly got my answer, in "Darrell logistics" fashion, he had moved quickly and solved his challenge....
"I sold my car to CarMax and I am going to ride the Metra! It will only take me 20 minutes longer and I will only have to get up 15 minutes earlier! All I have to do is take the Addison bus to the Metra and then take a shuttle bus to my office! I am going to subscribe to audiobooks so I can listen to my Ipod, read, sleep, the whole way there! It's going to be greeaaat!!"
It was decided. The Solution.

Now, during my first job out of school, I had to take a similar trek that he was describing. I called it the 'bus to the train to a bus' route. It was horrible. If you were late for one, it was almost guaranteed you would miss the other, which meant never getting out of bed late or leaving the house even 5 minutes tardy. In other words, way too much structure for this not at all morning person.

"Darrell, that's great! I am glad it worked out!"
But in the back of my mind I thought, 'I give this 3 weeks. There's no way this is going to last.' But I wasn't going to say that-no way was I going to be the cyncial partner in this moment of absolute clarity.

I glanced at my dashboard. It was 6:30pm. He had just found out about his car situation early this afternoon, and had already figured out the train/bus schedule, sold his car, bought his Metra pass and calculated his monthly savings. Good thing I didn't lack too much self esteem or I wouldn't make it in this relationship with this go-getter of a guy.

So now, despite the fact that I cook organic, vegan meals and introduced Darrell to many aspects of a "Green" lifestyle, I am now the less green component of the relationship. Why? Because I have a car. That I put gas in. And use.
When we first started dating, Darrell was excited about the fact that I drove stick. Impressed even. Now, when I am driving to work and I get a phone call, he doesn't hesitate to remind me that he has reduced his carbon footprint by half because he doesn't drive a car. When we take the train on the weekend, he proudly displays his ChicagoCard and tells me about highlights he had during the week on the train with a book, nap or new song on his Ipod. Nevermind that I stopped using my ChicagoCard a long time ago when I couldn't figure out how to re-load it on the CTA website. I am contributing to more waste by buying a new card each time I ride, so I can't even get points from him for when I don't use my car. During dinner or over drinks, he will sometimes glance at his cell phone, noting the date and then proceed to tell me when he needs to get his new Metra Train pass. And then remind me that he is Green and I am not in his usual poking fun manner.

I guess I could retort by reminding him every time he eats chicken on Shabbat how much earth energy was used to bring that bird to his plate in front of him, much more than the vegan meal in front of me next to our challah. But, that's the thing about relationships...it starts out with a certain balance and as it grows, the balance shifts. If I start throwing stones now, maybe one day it will come back to bite me.

And anyway, it's endearing that he is so committed to going to bed on time in order to make it to the train. Can I really blame him for being thoughtful about global warming? And even though I thought he wouldn't last three weeks on his new route, I've been wrong before.

In the meantime, I think I am finally going to buy a bike. I might even ride to work now that it's nice out. Besides, a bike uses much less energy than a bus to a train to a bus.

Room 304

You have no windows.
You are grey, with blue bulletin boards.
Thumbtacks, glue, tape, markers, paper, magazines....
You have chairs, tables and chalk...black, perfect chalkboards.
A platform for kids.
but it wasn't the materials you gave me that made me come back to you every year.
It was the conversations and discussions, the opportunity to clearly impact and create meaning in every day life.
It was the enthusiasm and brilliance of little minds, able to reflect and project creativity and intelligence
so seemingly early on a Sunday morning.
It was the community that was built, the celebration of difference in a culture that thrives on mainstream materialism.
It was the staff committment to excellence and excitement for a peoplehood that touches their lives as well....
in this industry, we can't afford to be hypocrites.
It was talk of Kings and Queens, Prophets and Leaders, wars and battles, ethics, values and right vs. wrong.
It was the challenge of figuring out how we celebrate holidays meaningfully, with understanding and a commitment to family customs. Different, but the same.

I bounced and laughed, got discouraged, got excited, created lesson plans, field trips and guest speakers.
For those hours, I came early on a train, in snow, in fall, in spring.
It was time to play, time to teach, time to be a light.
For those hours, I forgot about what my friends were up to, the night before, the world outside.
My classroom had no windows. No light could get through.
But for three years, in that one classroom, I didn't need them.
I had so many windows, with luminous light coming through...

Chasing Solace

Rush home.
Someone's got the case of....
Relax, it will all be over soon, just proceed so you can
feel good about your exit...
Dare to be an observer
in quintessential bliss, waiting for the next cue- make yourself known.
Before your eyes.
Pick a door, take a leap, have some faith, let it ride.
Only you can control your concentric circle in this world.

Rush home.
Don't buy anything.
Don't get distracted.
Don't stay on the phone when you don't want to be there.
Don't listen.
Don't make a quick decision.
Don't split your mind in two directions...or you will be no where.

Just rush home.
Return to an abode that awaits you with imperfection and leftover residue
from unfinished business from the day before.
Glaring into your eyes, the tangible un-to-do list, not written down.

Pick one, what will it be, creative, mundane?
How do I channel my inner dimension when I get to that place....
How do I pick and use the hours well?
Maybe I won't become world traveled.
Maybe I won't become a public academic.
Maybe I won't spend my time focusing solely on accomplishment.

Maybe I will have an equal.
Maybe I will be self taught.
Maybe I will find satisfaction in the small, good choices that become big building blocks.

And while I search for those things,
I will rush home.
And not where I eventually wish to throw my keys....
But where I am now.
Maybe, for now, I will seek something I can't touch.
Making decisions that incorporate a big picture, rather than bits and pieces....

That's ok....
because chasing solace, is chasing success.
Even if that's not how it feels on the outside.

Steady, Guide.

A steady line, but he keeps moving.
Linear and forward.
And I buzz and bounce around like an excited kid reaching for new opportunities.
It’s steady.
Meeting of minds and then execution.
He drops the material in my lap and then happily looks forward.
It’s up to me to create something and give it back.
His mood is steady, with little variation, consistent happiness and drive.
Concrete. Empathetic. Rock solid focus.
And for me, I bounce around, keep moving, but always looking for that place
To come back to...let’s call it a home. Refuge. Safety net. Rock to draw water…

In flight, we agree…and then circumstances are right. Exchange, exchange between. Volley and input…