Public vs. Private Sphere

In Judaism, many of our personal decisions inevitably reach the public.
When a women gets married, her choice to cover, or not cover her hair, becomes apparent.
When a couple 'rendez-vous' in the dating world, there seems to be an unspoken timeframe for when the 'when are you getting married?' questions begin to fly.
Married couples face questions about children. Single people must face questions about dating, we add commentary about lifestyle, job, apartments.....etc.

While I always try and cast off these questions as people 'just trying to show they care,' it becomes difficult to filter out who is expressing genuine concern and who is acquiring material for their next gossip session. I write this post not to sound cynical or judgemental, but I do wish to bring light on this habit we have slipped into. I want to hold us accountable (including myself) and ask that we think twice before falling into intrusive questions that seem to have become an all too familiar part of our culture.

And all the while, it seems we all feel comfortable telling each other how the mitzvot are supposed to play out in an individual's life. "Oy! You aren't supposed to cut the challah that way! You shouldn't ask for things while davening on Shabbos...Israel should be doing x with their army/government and then y would happen...."

Each person creates a letter of the Torah. Each person has a whole world coming forth from their eyes. But what does this mean exactly? It means that each person is a whole world of process, not product. Each person is walking through life, trying to maintain a relationship with G-d, themselves, others and the ever un-predictable world. Who has time for shoulds from others? Let's take a moment to breakdown these words choices which have penetrated our verbal culture....words do create our world after all...

Should:
Something that will take place or exist in the future. An order, promise, requirement, or obligation. The will to do something or have something take place.

Supposed:
Presumed to be true or real without conclusive evidence; Intended.
(thank you dictionary.com)

These words are powerful and presumptious. Do we really want to be continuously creating relationships with these expectations? Is that really fair to your listener? After all, isn't this part of the vocabulary that has perpetuated the Jewish guilt we know to be true?

The thing is, when we ask questions and provide unwanted commentary like this, we distance ourselves from each other. Here's why...Let's take the un-engaged but long term dating couple. Let's say someone asks them when they are getting married...You could be walking into a landmine of emotional struggles. What if marraige is something they are really trying to work towards but aren't getting to yet? What if they want to get married but a parent is getting in the way? Let's take a married couple who doesn't yet have kids. What if they can't get pregnant and they are trying really hard? What if they just came to terms with the fact that they can't have kids and are working towards adoption?

My point is, we negate the emotions that may be painfully hidden beneath the surface of a person when we ask questions that pressure an individual to keep up with our social norms.
How about instead of making conversation about where our friends 'should' be going, we make conversation about the joy of where we are at. Life is a process that is not black and white. It is circular. The process of building awareness means making mistakes and learning from them. And when we make those mistakes, it's our friends we need the most. Each person is in a dancing relationship with G-d and for each person, that means a different paradigm that is able to recieve levels of the light of sha'mayim (heaven) differently than someone else.

We are all in different places. Let's do a little more celebrating with where we're at rather than where we think everyone else should be. And the next time we find ourselves offering suggestions to others, let's ask ourselves, 'am I really listening to this person and trying to be helpful? Or does my own lens need some refinement?'