Get Out Of The Head and Into The Heart.

Coming from an arts background, I thrive in the realm of expression, abstract creation, movement, writing, enhancing self esteem through exploration and making something from nothing. I also come from an intellectual background. I am comfortable with sharing ideas, discussing concepts and learning from others as well as teaching. I like to read, I love books, I learn best when given the opportunity to share in dialogue and enjoy being challenged as much as I enjoy challenging.

Perhaps the most recent part of my adult development has been my intense quest for a real and true Jewish identity, one to call my own over the past 6 years. It has been an exciting whirlwind of trial and error, seeking structure and spontaneity with equal tenacity. I have listened most to the educators who have the knowledge and know how of combining heart with head, emotion with motion and spirituality with ritual. Throughout these mentorships, I have sifted through many a community and found lots of facets within the Jewish world. This has been just as suprising as it has been saddening, and yes, I've found plenty of embers of truth.

With these new experiences have come meeting new peers who have had very different backgrounds from mine. To be specific, I have met people who have been brought up in a world full of Jewish education, yeshiva, day school, seminary...you name it. There have been many times when I have been frustrated that I did not receive this same opportunity in my childhood and wished that my high school diploma meant that I could read Rashi, understand and argue the texts from a collective spinal memory and know the laws of Shabbat by heart. So I did the only thing I knew how to do when faced with this kind of realization--learn anyway, starting right away.

But as I faced the prospect of this new exploration, I found pieces of our heritage that spoke to me at a louder frequency that the nitty gritty words on ancient scroll. Somehow, what was placed in my path was a road paved with spirituality and experiences that made me realize I didn't have less than others. My next question was 'did I have more?' and I quickly understood that what I had was special and not less or more than another's, but quite simply, mine. And that made everyone else's process and background the same: quite simply, theirs. As the introductions deepened, I began to see the struggles of some of my friends in the positions I quietly coveted....expectations placed on them from an early age, community obligations, family commitments that didn't always acknowledge the voice of the individual, systems that don't represent catalysts for fostering a relationship with G-d that is based on love and clarity, not fear and worry. I began to witness the remnants of these educational blueprints in my friends and began to see that they struggled with knowing themselves deeply, didn't neccessarily have a clear understanding of emotional health and relating to others despite being told that the systems set up for their quality of life was meant to be sustaining and therefore, unquestionable on some levels.

But for these amazing people, truth-seekers, this is not enough of an explanation for them. "Just because" doesn't hold up in the fire of a quest for an authentic self. And I applaud their efforts to navigate the expectations set before them, especially when it means facing a loving and dedicated parent who might choose to feel as though they have failed if their child takes a different path.

That being said, there are many paths to G-d. And a person can't neccessarily directly access that path through the macrocosmic community, as it is comprised of many people. Quantifying the needs of the individual is a great task for the totality of the whole. However, that doesn't de-legitimize the awareness we must have that the attempt and intention to foster a relationship with creator is a deeply complex and sensitive process. So how can we expect community to agree with us when we embrace a voice that may be vastly different from the simple lines and rules that a body has agreed upon? And yet, the challenge of that struggle is that humans really weren't made to be alone, so an individual must create the boundaries for themselves when it comes to relating to an embodiment of ideals. That is, of course, if that group of people is sensitive and spiritually aware enough to place humanity before fences, heresay and comfort. And integrate with support and dialogue with rules.

Some who are focused primarily on technique are willing to admit they don't have the answers, but might say they do because they are informed they aren't meant to understand yet and might never. But they might not feel the results of their actions and can be ok with that. For those lacking technique and focused on only transient ideas and moments of inspiration, they potentially miss out on the grounded opportunity for sustainability and longjevity within a religio-spiritual context. They risk throwing the baby out with the bathwater, never experiencing the true value of tangible discipline and self sacrifice in order to accept something greater than yourself, previously unknown. This could require a lifestyle change, sometimes scary and might severely uproot familiarity but could prove to be better in the end.

I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Therefore, I am forced to question both examples of either ends of the spectrum. And resonating at a integrated, holistic level usually means having the freedom to breath and learn and grow in a way that is fueled by joy and not fear, integrating self awareness as priority rather than group as priority. It is problematic when people choose to justify their path to G-d as superior, devout and correct when they aren't willing to admit a person's divine connection is so unique, how could anyone know what resides in another's heart from the outside? And if a person does choose to intervene on that level, they better have good reason, better than 'just because' or 'my rabbi said...' At the same time, we have to recognize that there are reasons for everything and casting off painful challenges is equally unfair, for the uprooting of dirt becomes the opportunity to sharpen character.

I feel a sadness for the state of the world and I feel an equally deep sense of sadness for the Jewish community. It concerns me that we seem to be in a disarray about the path to our own souls and our ability to create positive healing in the world, our ultimate reason for being here.
I think really what is wanted from us is not just to blindly go through ritual or reminisce about the times when we 'felt so spiritual' but to find ways to connect the two and embrace ourselves as the holistic humans that we are--body, mind and spirit. And that means we are a heart, intellect and soul. These components have emotions, thoughts, feelings and desires...and need to be fed. If the spiritual community isn't feeding those facilities, people will go elsewhere for the desire is visceral.

That being said, how can we expect people to adhere to a system that is being presented to them as something that doesn't acknowledge the basic makeup of experience a person has on a daily basis? How can we leave our intuition at the door and step into a world that can't meet us where we are at?

When an individual finds truth within a system, how can they be a part of it when man doesn't acknowledge their human integrity? Why should we buy into a system that adheres so strictly to rules and regulations, at the expense of another's lifestyle? And how can we expect the other side to remain committed for the long haul when it only asks for 'the why' rather than 'the how' from the inception of commitment? If we cannot answer them sincerely, but are willing to reject their notions, how can we expect to work together as a people? Isn't struggling with the questions honestly righteous?

I have a friend who recently took an amazing risk of self sacrifice and conviction to create art geared to foster dialogue and provoke deep thought on a subject matter that isn't widely talked about. It was amazing to see this person's work and understand their process in the piece, as well as become more educated. This kind of experience is what we should have in community. A respect for a person's ideals and struggles, and willingness to embrace them inconjunction with embracing our own, letting it cause us to wrestle with our pre-concieved notions even if stepping out into the unknown. And the most beautiful part about this entire engagement is, when done right and little ego is involved, the two parties will inadvertently help foster a deeper sense of the other's voice and refinement.

If we can't understand, how can we act? And if we can't talk to one another, and become skilled at listening to honesty, then how can we live in a world of mutual respect and integrity while searching for ultimate truth? If we spent more time asking, 'what are you about?' and less time saying, 'the truth is,' 'we are supposed to,' 'you should,' perhaps if we were willing to engage the questions and struggles of the human mind, committed to creating safe space, we would be able to somehow live our way into the answer together, rather than thinking or floating there alone.

I don't think we can afford to alienate people. And I think it's possible when we decide to be flexible and live our ideas like clay, less concrete, we allow for others to engage as a person, rather than an individual. This approach is what allows for creativity, personal ownership and ultimately, a pure connection.

And if that's what we wish for ourselves and others, wouldn't we be willing to do whatever we can to help and not hinder one another?

We should be able to willingly walk through the door of truth and resonate there. But if it means standing there alone after entering the room, well...so be it...but that's just not good enough.