ImperfectCalm

2007-08-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

Love Letter

Dear Cassandra,

You make me so happy.
The whiteness of your keyboard only illuminates your purity.
Your keys are soft and respond to my touch so quickly...it's effortless.
When I am on the phone with slow customer service agents, you ease my pain and frustration by pulling up information with agility and speed.
You soothe my brain with the many colors and techniques you offer on your screen.
I promise to take care of you and treat you with respect and love.
Our relationship will only grow with time.
You bring new worlds to me through your window of electronic data, and I am amazed at your ability to show me new worldly landscapes. You make work more enjoyable and aid me in my process of making the world a better place.
We are partners in crime, you and I. You are always ready to go as soon as I call on you, quickly waking up for the work we must embark upon daily.

Oh Cassy. I promise to cherish you.
How I love thee.

Leah

2007-08-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

New Screen

I recently bought a MacBook. It rocks. I have many people in my life who swear by Mac's and feel they are a member of something bigger than them...and after holding my new toy in my hands for 3 days, I can tell you, it's true. I named my computer "Cassandra" after day 2, mostly because the white piece of brilliant machinery looked so cute sitting on my desk, I had to give it a name. (I talk to her anyway, I might as well have a way of catching her attention. I'm guessing she'll talk back one of these days.) I keep having conversations with friends about how amazing she is, how well she works and how excited I am to do work because of my new friend. She loads so quickly, her keys are soft and the screen is bright. Mostly I love her cause she's so full of memory. And that means that I won't have to keep so much in my head because she's holding it in hers.

When I get so involved in something that taps me into a cohort of a group, I become very committed, passionate and excited. And in the beginning, it stays on my mind. When I first come back from Israel, my eyes still think I am seeing men passing me in kippot and women wearing mogen david's. So since I have joined the Mac world, I keep thinking everyone around me is using a Mac also. I keep looking for the Apple when I pass by coffeeshops, discerning the PC users from the Mac users. I used to be in the PC club but I've joined a new one...

The most obvious moment I am in a land of obsession was last night when I was at dinner with my sister. There we were, having sushi on a humid Chicago night, catching up when I picked up on the conversation the women was having on her cell phone behind me. It sounded like she was giving someone directions, talking about expressways and choosing her words with a sense of urgency. I thought she was a member of the club when I heard her say, "Are you looking at your Mac?" My head snapped around, cutting my sister off mid sentence. No way! Even the woman in the restaurant behind me was in the Mac world! But as I turned back to my sister, jaw dropped, she was only laughing and shaking her head at me. "What?" I inquired. "She didn't say Mac," Rachel said. "She said MAP. Man, you are obsessed."

She's right. But like any proud member of a new club, I have to partake in my initiation ceremony, right?

2007-08-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

Members of the Tribe

This past July, I spent a whole month in the amazing city of Jerusalem. I spent my days learning in classes on Judaism. I spent my evenings walking around the streets, meeting friends for dinner, shopping and observing the difference in cultures from my own. People watching is one of my favorite things to do in foreign environments. In short, it was of course phenomenal. I am often amazed when I find how quickly I adapt to new situations. This time was no exception. Every time I am in Israel, I get used to the many symbols that a Jewish state exists. It's comforting and familiar to see mezuzah's on office doorways, restaurants and households. The blessing for safe travel is above the exit door on every bus traveling from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv. There are hand washing stations set up at falafel stands so customers can wash before eating bread. And mostly, I notice the kippa's drifting, darting and dashing past me on the street. Women wearing skirts, sandals and scarves in their hair. The reason this is so interesting to me is that in Israel and Jerusalem specifically, you see such diversity in our people just from walking down the street. In America, in Diaspora, it's much more segregated. Your ideology tends to match the shul you frequent and most everything that goes along with that including laws on kashrut, shabbat keeping and how the prayers in synagogue will operate. Not so in Jerusalem. There is the inevitable celebration of diversity within religiousity and I find it to be exhilarating. Why? Because it's celebrating the gray. It's easy to see that being a person who is committed to a religious life comes in many shapes and forms. And that's a lesson for all of us who wander there. It's not about the rules you follow within the boundaries of your selected space. It's about what you bring to the table once you're there. And that permeates Jewish living in Jerusalem, evident in lay led prayer groups, regular Torah learning and practice of Kashrut. This is not to say the country does not face challenges among people or have a hard time meeting the needs of observant Jews. Like any other group, there are problems. Living in Israel is not perfect or meant to be looked at through rose colored glasses. But what excited me about interacting with those who live there is the freedom of individuals to be committed honestly and engaged in the process of living a Jewish life. The labels fall away. The boxes become less important. And your neighbor becomes a fellow human being and less a member with a pass to the same local center where you belong.

2007-08-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

In a letter to a friend...

I've joined the better side of life. The Mac is amazing.
I woke up this morning and started talking to it and decided to take with me to work so it wouldn't be lonely.
I haven't decided on a name yet, so 'mac-ie' is the filler for now.
Such a fine piece of machinery should never be left alone to allow dust and debris to infiltrate it's delicately designed inner workings.
It is sitting on my desk right now, in all it's white glory.
iLife installed, Apple Protection in place, .Mac activated...
my sales rep shook my hand and said "welcome to the mac world'
and my life, professional and artistic, possibly even spiritual, will never be the same....

Friend's Response...

Welcome to the tribe.
I think that being a Mac user is a lot like
being Jewish. You are now part of a small,
influential group of computer users who are
working to make creative change in the world.
We all have faith that our Cohen Gadol, Steve Jobs,
will steer us in the right direction and
provide us with drool-worthy technology.
The most interesting thing about it is
that it's not quantifiable. The Mac experience
is just that. It's an experience. You can't
explain it by referring to CPU's, motherboards,
or RAM. It's just that feeling of things
working the way they should. No need
to worry about viruses, driver incompatibilities,
or blue screens of death. The Mac gets out
of your way and lets you do what you need
to do. Now it is still a computer and you will
have issues from time to time. But once
you go Mac, there's no going back! May you
use your new computer to shed light on the
world and fulfill your dreams.

2007-06-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

On Being Ready

As I make my way through the day, I often find myself noticing other people. What they are wearing, conversations, shopping bags, etc...but I also notice things like wedding rings, children and if they have a significant other. These are lifecycle events that happen to people when they happen.
Usually my next thought is, 'hmm, how did they know?' 'How did they know what,' you ask?
How did they know they were ready? Or, were they ready?
So many things in our life have deadlines. Graduation season is always in May/June, time guides us through days to let us know when it's time to wake up and time to sleep, weekends come and go. 18 is the deadline for being a kid, 21 is the entry way to being an alchohol consuming adult, 13 is when you are considered an adult in the Jewish religion.
These events are all things we look forward to with sometimes equal trepidation and excitement, but they are all ways of telling us that we are ready for something new and big in our individual world.

And yet, as we get older, and those adolescent deadlines fade away and the decades of milestone birthdays loom in the distance, I have to wonder what it's like to be ready for the less tangible, most important passageways of all...the lifecycle events of finding a partner, getting married, narrowing a career focus and having kids.

I'm sure all the people in my path that I've seen who've entered these institutions have felt or decided they were ready for them. But wouldn't it just be nice if we got a memo to help us along in making those big decisions? Sometimes I want to go up to those people in the grocery store and say something like, "I love your engagement ring. I didn't get that memo. Could you tell me where to register? I want in on the secret."

That would be cool. Would people be more or less confident about these important choices or maybe make more educated decisions about such events? Probably. And it would be awesome to get a fax at work that read in big, 48 point letters, 'YOU ARE READY.' You co-workers might think you have direct lineage to G-d and would that be so bad?

But alas, my right brain imagination lacks reality for the moment.
However, I do know one thing...In terms of knowing when you are ready....I think we can 'just know' when we listen to our voice and if we work on that voice, it just might work for us. And as for the memo, well, since it's usually an external document anyway...that's what we have friends for....to listen, offer feedback and click YES when they agree that we are ready for new transitions.

2007-05-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

Darrell's Gone Green

So those who know me well know that I have a definite crunchy side.
I love organic food, I'm vegan, I recycle and in general I think it's important to be conscious of my earth footprint. It is a core value. Therefore, it's important to me to have some sort of community to share these values.

In terms of a significant other, it is important to share ideals. When dating, it is a dance, an on going conversation between two people about life goals, interests and commonality. It is also a conversation negotiating differences. The question consistently remains: how do you know when those differences are too much to continue in the relationship?

A few weeks ago, Darrell decided to get rid of his car. At some point, dumping money into the cost of repairs become so much greater than the value of the car or the value of having the car. He was forced to terminate the relationship. (It's ok though, the Mazda 626 has found a new significant other, one who promised Darrell they would take great care of Betty--CarMax).

During the day when he was making this decision, Darrell kicked around his options. He could buy a new car. (Really expensive.) Lease a new car. (Higher payments than he was currently making.)Buy a used car. (Too many potential repairs.)
Our office phones rang off the hook as we bounced around solutions and problem solved together. As I left the office that day, well aware that we hadn't spoken in a few hours, I felt bad that he was stressed, might have to invest more money, give up his car that he loved....but I knew we would figure it out.

As I drove home, my cell phone rang just as I was winding around the best part of Lake Shore Drive, blue water in my peripheral vision. I picked it up.
"Hi Darrell!"
His voice on the other end was energy charged, clear he was excited about something. What, I had no idea...this had been a down day for him with his car problems and all...
"Lay, I'm going green!!!"
"What? What do you mean, you already recycle and ride your bike all the time..."
I quickly got my answer, in "Darrell logistics" fashion, he had moved quickly and solved his challenge....
"I sold my car to CarMax and I am going to ride the Metra! It will only take me 20 minutes longer and I will only have to get up 15 minutes earlier! All I have to do is take the Addison bus to the Metra and then take a shuttle bus to my office! I am going to subscribe to audiobooks so I can listen to my Ipod, read, sleep, the whole way there! It's going to be greeaaat!!"
It was decided. The Solution.

Now, during my first job out of school, I had to take a similar trek that he was describing. I called it the 'bus to the train to a bus' route. It was horrible. If you were late for one, it was almost guaranteed you would miss the other, which meant never getting out of bed late or leaving the house even 5 minutes tardy. In other words, way too much structure for this not at all morning person.

"Darrell, that's great! I am glad it worked out!"
But in the back of my mind I thought, 'I give this 3 weeks. There's no way this is going to last.' But I wasn't going to say that-no way was I going to be the cyncial partner in this moment of absolute clarity.

I glanced at my dashboard. It was 6:30pm. He had just found out about his car situation early this afternoon, and had already figured out the train/bus schedule, sold his car, bought his Metra pass and calculated his monthly savings. Good thing I didn't lack too much self esteem or I wouldn't make it in this relationship with this go-getter of a guy.

So now, despite the fact that I cook organic, vegan meals and introduced Darrell to many aspects of a "Green" lifestyle, I am now the less green component of the relationship. Why? Because I have a car. That I put gas in. And use.
When we first started dating, Darrell was excited about the fact that I drove stick. Impressed even. Now, when I am driving to work and I get a phone call, he doesn't hesitate to remind me that he has reduced his carbon footprint by half because he doesn't drive a car. When we take the train on the weekend, he proudly displays his ChicagoCard and tells me about highlights he had during the week on the train with a book, nap or new song on his Ipod. Nevermind that I stopped using my ChicagoCard a long time ago when I couldn't figure out how to re-load it on the CTA website. I am contributing to more waste by buying a new card each time I ride, so I can't even get points from him for when I don't use my car. During dinner or over drinks, he will sometimes glance at his cell phone, noting the date and then proceed to tell me when he needs to get his new Metra Train pass. And then remind me that he is Green and I am not in his usual poking fun manner.

I guess I could retort by reminding him every time he eats chicken on Shabbat how much earth energy was used to bring that bird to his plate in front of him, much more than the vegan meal in front of me next to our challah. But, that's the thing about relationships...it starts out with a certain balance and as it grows, the balance shifts. If I start throwing stones now, maybe one day it will come back to bite me.

And anyway, it's endearing that he is so committed to going to bed on time in order to make it to the train. Can I really blame him for being thoughtful about global warming? And even though I thought he wouldn't last three weeks on his new route, I've been wrong before.

In the meantime, I think I am finally going to buy a bike. I might even ride to work now that it's nice out. Besides, a bike uses much less energy than a bus to a train to a bus.

2007-05-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

Room 304

You have no windows.
You are grey, with blue bulletin boards.
Thumbtacks, glue, tape, markers, paper, magazines....
You have chairs, tables and chalk...black, perfect chalkboards.
A platform for kids.
but it wasn't the materials you gave me that made me come back to you every year.
It was the conversations and discussions, the opportunity to clearly impact and create meaning in every day life.
It was the enthusiasm and brilliance of little minds, able to reflect and project creativity and intelligence
so seemingly early on a Sunday morning.
It was the community that was built, the celebration of difference in a culture that thrives on mainstream materialism.
It was the staff committment to excellence and excitement for a peoplehood that touches their lives as well....
in this industry, we can't afford to be hypocrites.
It was talk of Kings and Queens, Prophets and Leaders, wars and battles, ethics, values and right vs. wrong.
It was the challenge of figuring out how we celebrate holidays meaningfully, with understanding and a commitment to family customs. Different, but the same.

I bounced and laughed, got discouraged, got excited, created lesson plans, field trips and guest speakers.
For those hours, I came early on a train, in snow, in fall, in spring.
It was time to play, time to teach, time to be a light.
For those hours, I forgot about what my friends were up to, the night before, the world outside.
My classroom had no windows. No light could get through.
But for three years, in that one classroom, I didn't need them.
I had so many windows, with luminous light coming through...

2007-05-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

Chasing Solace

Rush home.
Someone's got the case of....
Relax, it will all be over soon, just proceed so you can
feel good about your exit...
Dare to be an observer
in quintessential bliss, waiting for the next cue- make yourself known.
Before your eyes.
Pick a door, take a leap, have some faith, let it ride.
Only you can control your concentric circle in this world.

Rush home.
Don't buy anything.
Don't get distracted.
Don't stay on the phone when you don't want to be there.
Don't listen.
Don't make a quick decision.
Don't split your mind in two directions...or you will be no where.

Just rush home.
Return to an abode that awaits you with imperfection and leftover residue
from unfinished business from the day before.
Glaring into your eyes, the tangible un-to-do list, not written down.

Pick one, what will it be, creative, mundane?
How do I channel my inner dimension when I get to that place....
How do I pick and use the hours well?
Maybe I won't become world traveled.
Maybe I won't become a public academic.
Maybe I won't spend my time focusing solely on accomplishment.

Maybe I will have an equal.
Maybe I will be self taught.
Maybe I will find satisfaction in the small, good choices that become big building blocks.

And while I search for those things,
I will rush home.
And not where I eventually wish to throw my keys....
But where I am now.
Maybe, for now, I will seek something I can't touch.
Making decisions that incorporate a big picture, rather than bits and pieces....

That's ok....
because chasing solace, is chasing success.
Even if that's not how it feels on the outside.

2007-05-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

Steady, Guide.

A steady line, but he keeps moving.
Linear and forward.
And I buzz and bounce around like an excited kid reaching for new opportunities.
It’s steady.
Meeting of minds and then execution.
He drops the material in my lap and then happily looks forward.
It’s up to me to create something and give it back.
His mood is steady, with little variation, consistent happiness and drive.
Concrete. Empathetic. Rock solid focus.
And for me, I bounce around, keep moving, but always looking for that place
To come back to...let’s call it a home. Refuge. Safety net. Rock to draw water…

In flight, we agree…and then circumstances are right. Exchange, exchange between. Volley and input…

2007-04-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

It's No Secret

And when you least expect it,
you run into the least anticipated.
Starts with conversations, many exchanges, building blocks...
appearing that something was decided for you.
Ready. For the next thing.
It wasn't on a to-do list. It wasn't in your plan.
But, it appears nonetheless...pass it up?
Simply because it didn't occur to you to look for it, seek it out and claim it?
Not a chance. You'd have to be an idiot.
Because the best life opportunities come to you when you aren't looking....You realize, you were open.
And didn't even know it.
"That you are a complex, multi-faceted creature is clear, waiting for someone to draw you out. To ask thoughtful sensitive questions.
To be firm, yet tender..."
and most of all, be a partner.

2007-04-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

Melancholy Air

And sometimes it's just grey.
Like those days that hang over with haze-a supposed spring that reeks of winter, trying to shrug the residue of many months of salted water icing the streets, sidewalks and cars.
Those tears that want to fall but can't just yet.
The leaves that wish to grow but haven't found an atmosphere of safe space to unleash their precious green soul.
It's that welling up inside of you that feels enormous but isn't quite tangible...
The stale feeling of wait, I can't point my finger to it, it's not logical, it doesn't make sense but it's here.
Like it or not.
Love it or leave it.
Gray or colorful....
it exists, I exist, in the exostential game of universe.
We try to play but aren't sure of the rules.
How do you say, This hurts! When you aren't sure what the alernative model could be...does it matter?
Can you quiet yourself amidst angst?
Does the unrecognized go away if you just leave it?
Sometimes.

The colors fight with each other in their stratosphere of doubt.
They want to sketch out the bliss of spring renewal and summer leisure for their participants.
But grey takes over, making their stance neutral, forcing them to perfect a sort of midwestern expert patience that enables breath holding and the ability to forsee what comes next while still bundling.
It's unnatural really, to have a lack of transition for renewal...
and yet, it's intimacy, the ability to step into a deeper world with another, of another a world that most don't ever get to see...
unless they choose to remain committed and stick it out with patience...
even when they can say it hurts.

2007-04-17T19:57:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. I'm on a bit of a hiatus...I'll be back soon.

2007-02-20T18:28:00.000-08:00

Windowsills

I walk briskly
the city lights change
the traffic moves at steady pace.
It's all smiles and business these days.
The schedule continues, almost taking off without me.
I just follow the bread and butter I set up before...
I turn onto the quiet city street.
a detour if you will.

I pause and stare.
There they are, wine in hand, friends, appetizers.
The tv is on. It's only 8pm. They are in for the evening.
But they still wear their sweaters.
And why shouldn't they be on this cold winter night?

I pause and stare.
They have red walls and distinctly different candlesticks.
Perfect photography, black and white, hung dilligently.
Most likely newlyweds in a two bedroom. They probably even have a study.
It reeks of sophistication. (In a good way).

I pause and stare.
Bright lights on white walls.
Stencils and posters.
Ikea bookshelves, lots of books, pictures.
Two women talk on the couch, gripping tea mugs
in lieu of their laughter. The movie they were watching is glaring, alone.

I pause and stare.
Third floor. I can only see a lamp, white paper shading, circular and soft.
He probably lives alone.
A lone painting hangs on the brick walls.
The futon is below it.
I can't see him because he is probably writing or reading or drinking culture somehow.
After dinner he takes nurturing baths and turns in early.
A sure sign he will avoid fatigue at work tomorrow.
He loves the el and treasure his morning commute to the box that takes him to the bliss of urban acquired economic status.

I pause and stare.
She quickly fills in the calendar on the wall.
It's all about the schedules.
Her son is tugging at her apron...
he wants a snack before bedtime.
She perches him at the breakfast bar and smiles...
brushing her tossled hair from her eyelashes, she announces the options.
You can almost sense how lucky she feels to have this full time job.
There is a calm vibe that almost jumps out of the windows from this one.

I turn the corner.
Down the alley and onto the sidewalk.
The leaves are embracing the snowfall and the street is making water out of ice.
My boots get wet but I don't care.
My keys jingle in the lock, struggle to make an entry.
No one has been here today but me. Only me.
I throw down the tangible wieghts of today's obligations.
Shed a bit of dead skin in a moment.
Walk over to the window, drawing the shades.
As I let the white lines fall, I look out into the courtyard.
Somehow, the bunnies hop with consistency in this urban playground.
They always find their way back.
I look up and notice the light is on in the apartment that produces loud
spurts of passionate opera music in the summer and fall mornings.
My eyes lower with the shades and I catch the last glimpse of the pathway to my refuge...
the grass is always greener.

2007-02-20T18:11:00.000-08:00

This is a ritual

fall back into a place of abode.
cleverly placed items, strategic all around.
I know it to be true.
Organize the space and leave it...
move onto the other things...the less mundane.
The laughter, it resonates outside, my neighbors can hear me.
I don't care.
The stars, they shine through the wintery clouds...
passing quickly with much dexterity.
I wind down.
Fast forward, it's here, the time in space that is suspended
and sustained, the fruit of labor, ultimately.
My favorite place of relaxation.
Late nights and sometimes early mornings, reluctantly.
I jump into bed, my hair falls all around me.
The candles gleaming in the darkness, creating soft whispers against the walls...
shadow of beautiful hands.
The light is magic and carries the conversation in my mind.
Translucently.
Music moves through me.
I let it penetrate.
Fascinatingly, positively....
i have nothing to hide in this refuge of a creation.
The dynamics of this set up, it's nothing less than great.
I only fear not having it anymore.
The smoothing over of mind, resonating of soul...
it all bounces off these walls i found in my path of faith
my quest to find a better perch for my urban lifestyle.
and you are right in it.
waiting, on the balls on my feet I fall back on the cushion of my heels,
breath taken out of me.
I found it. I am now suspended spiritually, for better or for worse.
I am on the tips of my toes, reaching.
I descend with more...I let go of being 'absolutely sure.' I just wait now...and fill
my lungs in the process, discerningly...
The cushions, I lie. The bed, I sit. The table, I eat and access speaker phone.
Moving through the mundane, searching for the depth to the illusion that
has been created so many times before...missed in the process of getting to know you.
I am going to crack it with understanding the ritual...
but from now on....
on the terms of my divine spark.
Not yours.

2007-02-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

Jay Crew and You

Forget the leftovers
the parties goers from the night before.
an all night buzz that lasts till monday
morning.
Computer isn't looking so good
work ahead is part of chores...
The weekend had magic, space in time for
drinks and laughter and dancing.
Oh, how we all wish we could stay
and play and party together, in the light in the dark in the
whole place....
So we can still smell the beer, the cologne and the music vibrations..
pick up the material and let the scent give you a nostalgic resonance
of conversations, commentary and cultivated claims....
the olfactory magic is still there...
even if the laughter and fun has long ended.

2007-02-16T10:13:00.000-08:00

This post is an artist and residence moment, written by my sis!

i.v.

they've stuck in the i.v.
known as the media on TV
and see the force feeding
breeding ignorance and
unbelievable stupidity

cause we are trained
to accept whatever they put
in our veins and brains
because thinking for ourselves
has become a big ol' shame

so sit back, relax
enjoy the show because all the lies
they've devised most
will never know

and ignorance is bliss
though we should really be pissed
because we've become latent
complacent and generally amiss

Questions lead to understanding
which in turn leads to
truth
and these are the lessons
we should be teaching our
youth

so pull out the i.v.
throw away the TV
crack open a book
and take a good honest look
at the shores of this nations controlled education
consider contemplation
and
feed yourself
honestly
culturally
politically
whatever way you can
cause knowledge is the only way
to gain the upper hand

not many can think on the brink of insanity
so pull on the reigns
of this calamity

cause we are all quite capable
of breaking something deemed
unbreakable

so take a stand
grab a hand
and jump right in the sea
and see the potentialof what we all can be
if we just get up
and take out
the i.v.

2007-02-11T21:40:00.000-08:00

Like Totally

I try to not get into the habit of being on my cell phone in grocery stores. I can't concentrate, I usually get distracted and put things in my cart that don't need to be there... And I definitely move slower and risk upsetting my conquering peers, trying to satiate their anxious refridgerators in a plotted timeframe. I also could potentially launch into a deeply meaningful and sometimes private conversation without remembering that I am in public.
(Hey, it's happened before. Call me focused on the task at hand despite my circumstance).

But today was an exception.

I started my culinary trek at Whole Foods, a place like a Crunchy Spa. Yea, some call it "Whole Paycheck" but I like to call it "Whole-istic experience." As I began my venture, list, cart and wallet in hand, my cell phone rang. Ima. "Hey, I am sorry I haven't called, I forgot to tell you I was working like 55 hours last week..." So I chatted and caught up, winding through the aisles, glancing at the products, half pursuing the craving to cross off the items on my list but doing a haphazard job for sure. I was focused on the deep conversation I was having, sorting through the recent cobwebs of the week, cleansing my mental pallete and making split decisions about which crunchy toothpaste was the most economic. I vaguelly noticed the valentine's day display, colors of love displaying wine and chocolate, candles and soaps, suggestions for spoiling loved ones...but I was engrossed in deep conversation, intellectual exchange and laughter...for amidst all the tasks I like to tackle, it is the human relationships I craft, care for and caress that are most important to me.

Then, check out aisle. Still on the phone. The cashier glanced at me, "paper or plastic?" (crap, am I that girl in line? the one holding the American operation of efficiency up because she's on her phone?) But wait, didn't everyone know this was meaningful chatting I was having? I wasn't talking about the weather, I was bonding with my mother!
I signed my receipts and made a dash for my car...

I made a quick stop in Stanley's for neccessary produce and got out of the shopping craze when I realized I forgot to fill up my water bottles at Whole Foods. Well, I can't be happpy at work if I don't have my filtered water, so....I stopped at the Whole Foods on my way to Trader Joe's. Just as my car locked in position, I felt my phone ring again. Lori, Best Friend. Crap. The cobwebs on our recent conversations were even greater than with my mom. "Lor, I don't want you to think I've been neglecting you, I just worked this big event last week..." I darted into the store, made a beeline for the water filler and allowed no distractions. This cashier seemed less sympathetic to my efforts. As he inquired about my bagging needs he gave me a wry look. But this was the 10 items or less line...? Didn't he know it would move quickly despite customer chosen distractions? "Plastic, please...oh, the blue bags-thanks!" But what I wanted to say was, 'dude, it's my best friend from Hawaii..We're in different time zones...gotta talk when we can...'

Dart down LincolnAve (only a half hour till rehearsal) and I stop at Trader Joe's, another favorite spot. I love the creative marketing, labels, the staff, the industrious new treats consistently created. This particular Sunday, the place was hopping. People all around me were loading up on wine, neccessities and delicacies, most likely for V-day, just around the corner. I felt instantly claustrophobic. Why did all these people decide to come to one of my favorite playgrounds at the same time as me? The plan changed from slight dilly dally to, get in, get your stuff, get in line, get out.

As the execution of my foolproof plan progressed, I found myself approaching the cereal aisle. I was dodging a cart here and slipping behind a customer there, grabbed the Kashi, when all of a sudden, I heard her...a Trader Joe's customer on her cell phone, at war with those elbow to elbow, selecting beans, pasta and spreads. Blocking the aisle and adding to the chaos. At first it wasn't so obvious...maybe the buzz of the hustle and bustle of those around me drown out her words, but as I neared the concentric circle of chatter, I couldn't help but listen as I selected my Kosher Vegan Indian lunches for the week...

"Oh my gawd, are you bringing Michael tonight...what? You are going to wear your new coat? You have to wear your new coat, I am dying to see it....I am totally excited...oh wait, I am totally not trying to be insensitive-I want to talk about your coat...it's just the reception is to-tally shitty in here...what? Yea, it's totally shitty, I can't hear you but you have to wear your new coat tonight, I am dying to see it. But I have to call you later because the reception is really bad and I can't hear you..Ok, see you tonight in your new coat! Bye!"

As I round my way into the frozen foods aisle, I couldn't help but laugh out loud.
I might have transgressed a bit today on my grocery shopping etiquette...

But at least I wasn't that girl.

2007-02-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

Be yourself.

There is something that
you can do better than any other.

Listen to the inward voice
and bravely obey that.

2007-02-09T13:32:00.000-08:00

"That you are a complex, multi-faceted creature is clear.
You're waiting for someone to draw you out...
To ask thoughtful sensitive questions. To be firm, yet tender."

-DailyCandy

2007-02-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

Black Shirt

It lays, crumpled.
The light hitting soft wrinkles, textured and segmented by the
filter before it...
It's material covers vision and almost breathes, inhale and exhale.
I toss you around from place to place, positive I don't know where to put you. On the shelf? Out to lunch? In the laundry? On a hanger?
I've danced in you, I've slept with you, I've worn you out on the town.
You are all rolled up in a bunch, next to my head, in bed.
I can't leave your gift of covering behind.
I can't expect you to always be clean and available...you aren't, you won't be, you are living in this world, black shirt.
You lie on your back, full of wonder...
who knows what to do with you next, who cares...
you are part of my wardrobe, my collection of creativity, a canvas that waits for my daily decision making of how to approach the world.

But tonight, you and I, we lie here in the dark...
You are crumpled.
The light hits your soft wrinkles, textured and segmented by the
filter before it...The wrinkles, they almost smile with wisdom and wear...
character surviving fires of daily life....
It's material covers vision and breathes...

as I inhale and exhale.
full of curiosity.

2007-02-04T18:40:00.000-08:00

Club: a group of people associated for a common purpose.
Tribe: a group of peoples or clans descended from a common ancestor.

2007-01-29T13:26:00.000-08:00

Standing

Sitting on the diving board, peering into the deep end, trying not to jump in....
I see, the cracks on the ground, the drain, little floating imperfections on the surface...painted concrete...bugs...drops of water springing from the source and dropping back into little glimmers of sunlight kissing water, embracing the rippled flow of steadfast bleached mineral, encased in this safe, man made invention of bliss.

I hear, the wind in my ears, the breeze wrapping around the trees, enveloping the bristles with static consistency...cries of excitement, muttered conversations about everything and nothing at all...

I feel the confidence of being able to swim and navigate my way through the deep and shallow ends, full of muscle memory and an open heart for new strokes, taking me to new places and leading me to new bits of sunlight. I leave behind the darkness of spots that lack clarity and swim to new spaces that are unfamiliar but emanate potential....

My feet land on the ground and I spin, feeling the sun around my skin and hair and face....I let go and float. I don't worry. I remain aware of the present moment and see the world in front of me as only a human could.

I get back on the diving board and walk to the edge.
I acknowledge the fear. I look anyways and plot my next move.
It needn't be perfect. It can't be anymore.
I reach my hand out the the water and let my fingertips touch the fragile details of the perfect waves. I see the imperfection and want it anyway...I pull my hands away and let the water drip off...
I sit and let my feet dangle... at times, my legs get splashed...I don't flinch.
I let it be.
I contemplate slipping and letting myself fall, not dive or jump but organically descend into the welcoming warm water below...
I look again.....I see, the cracks on the ground, the drain, little floating imperfections on the surface...painted concrete...bugs...drops of water springing from the source and dropping back into little glimmers of sunlight kissing water, embracing the rippled flow of steadfast bleached mineral, encased in this safe, man made invention of bliss.

I stand up and begin to leave, already searching for another portal to the pool.
I possess perspective. I know what's there.
I'm just waiting for the right moment to consciously connect with the deep end that exists before me....

I jump off the diving board.
My arms reach, hands extend, eyes lifted and my breath supports the leap.
I fly through the air, ready....
my hair is lifted by wind and nurtured by sunlight.
my legs are strong and willing, whatever the next cue.
I trust and let go...

My feet hit the concrete.
It's grey.

2007-01-18T11:52:00.001-08:00

"And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." -- Dr. Thomas Wayne, Batman Begins

2007-01-17T22:04:00.000-08:00

I love my students!

Dear Parents,

Thank you for sending your child to Hebrew school. I feel honored to have the opportunity to explore our tradition with the wonderfully creative energy and enthusiasm of this 4th grade class. So far this year, we have learned about Jonah, Joshua, Deborah, Samson & Delilah, Saul, Ruth, King David and King Solomon. All of these characters have great lessons to teach us in modern day society about leadership. It has been an exciting start unfolding the magic in the classroom...

This past week was particularly exciting! We learned about King Solomon. In this story, we see that King Solomon was both wise-hearted and practical, as he prayed to G-d to have a wise heart and rule his people with honest discernment, and also built a significant temple for his time. When faced with tough decisions, he made good choices and therefore created a world of integrity around him.

In order to bring this into our lives, as a class we discussed and did a free writing exercise about what makes us wise and able to build special components in our world. The students were incredibly insightful and offered great ideas when asked about this topic. We took individual profile pictures in a chair that looked like a throne and next week the kids will finish their profiles by writing down what makes them wise on the paper. We discussed the idea of what it means to take care of your world and see yourself as a leader (or king or queen!) in your world.

We also learned a new song about family, a song that teaches the kids the Hebrew word for family: mishpacha. We talked about the idea that everyone comes from a different family and having a mishpacha is just as much about community and being warm to friends as it is about who you are related to.

We always have fun in class...in fact, one of our students was being especially creative during snacktime...and figured out how to root for his favorite baseball team with pretzels....see the picture attached!

Sincerely,
Leah Kahn

2007-01-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

-emerson

2007-01-16T12:27:00.000-08:00

Stumbling Block, for the Blind?

Effortless and intuitive
shining in inevitable light.
No choice but to evolve.
I hold future in the palm of my hands,
sweaty choices. Panic.
Path left open, words from nights before...
choices breed perspective, I take the blue pill
of reality, even when it hurts.
I shed tears that offer wisdom as they fall, at least
not in vain. Experiences less valued, books studied
heavily, can we aquire answers without experiments?

There are many theories
ones that work and don't.
I choose the path of propelled energy, pushing me to grow
and move.
My feet they bounce, my eyes, they dart, my hands they reach for more.
Can you fault me for being human, can you trust the words you say
more than giving me credit for committing to a process???
I didn't have to pick this one....

Relationships, they are messy when two parties can't agree...
the dump, the grind, the work that is too hard...people who plummet, they don't crave rocks, for themselves or for another, but choose to bask in insecurity and wish for the other to be a co-conspiriter in their crime of the anti-self love campaign....
OR
shoulder to shoulder, pupils lifted, hands held...
thrive in the process of breathing grey, sorting through the evil inclination that challenges us, trips us up, puts us in a maize of oblivion and equal power to self actualize and realize our fiber makeup....and then, be accountable. Be, an adult.
I'm not going to let you, I'm not going to lie with you, I'm not going to internalize the muddy water you wish I would swim in.
That comfort is only a priority for those who are slowly suffocating and dying without realizing it till it's too late.
Empathy can exist with two adults who wish to move each other in objectively true directions...forget it, leave the rest behind.
You want me to talk, you want me to spill, you want me to engage in previous discussions that ceased when you walked out the door.
And I was relieved.
So give me more than a four letter word, be aware, be conscious, be accountable, but don't be stupid, unrealistic or ideological about your blindspots...cleaning is up to you...
And we, lie, it's dark, full of knowledge and capacity for emotional organization...bounce with it, roll with it, but keep the perspective of...?
yes, this is now. You are ready for it, why?
Because you didn't strategically plan.
You didn't decide in advance.
You didn't force it.
You just lived.
You're way into the answer.
And now, trust it, that it could happen to you...know thyself, less what others know about you, for they don't hear the thoughts between you and G-d, though they presume to. Forgive them for their ignorance...
that breath skips their words on the way out of their intellect.
So forget it, and dodge it, don't even get caught up in chaotic dialogue...know your inner compass, focusing easily on inner dimension....the select few know what you are searching for...in it's entire purity.

Stumbling blocks? Only if you let them....for mistakes are just moments of process, forming their way towards clarity.
The only thing I can fear... leave it at the door and exhale, let yourself know the world you have created....and fix the mistakes once you make them, communicate and get back on your feet, sort without an agenda and allow it to unfold....

and just like that....I can walk right back into my.....

PERSPECTIVE.
which,

is relative, depending on the eye of the beholder.
I'm embracing mine... how?
Carefully,
with Concise Concrete Conscious Clarity.

2007-01-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

Private:
1. of or concerning a particular person or group.
2. not open to or controlled by the public.
3. for an individual person, secret.

Intrude:
1. to force oneself upon others, unasked.

2007-01-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

"Are You Dating Anyone?"

Yes, in fact, I am.
Not that it's any of your business but...
it's getting kind of serious...
everytime we hang out, I get a rush.
We spend quality time together, mostly on weekends...
he likes my heels, clicking on pavement.
Urban outfits, full of lure...
There are walls, but I don't mind...
I kind of like their aesthetic...old, new, original...
Always something to explore or breakdown.
Always something to talk about.
Bounce.
Rhythm.
Seeing and discovering.
At times, I can barely hold back my enthusiasm for our relationship...
when I get a boost, I call out your name, full of exuberance and love.
You give me so much, fill me up...adventures, dinner, late nights, train rides, cabs, shows...
we do it all.
We wax and wane in a symbiotic relationship, you always initiate.
We are equals.
We are a process.
We are always solid, no matter how I change.
Your hands are chiseled like a painter's, on my lower back.
I can fall into your comfort, secure you won't lead me astray.
Your eyes are brighter in the summer
dull in winter
an array of color in the fall
your breath, bricks and mortar, stay constant amidst the traffic in your mind.
and I run to your warmth, after days, nights, afternoons
willing to succomb to your offerings...
Yes, I'm dating you Chicago, it's been almost 5 years.
I think I'm in love.

2007-01-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...." Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

2007-01-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Bending Lucidity: A Dancer's Thoughts

(Kent State University, 2001)

Three hours a week

approaching rehearsals with pure involvement.

Anything less is unacceptable.

We dance.

Hitting the floor with conviction

using a facade entitled 'effortless.'

The music rings loud in our ears and pumps motivation straight to our joints,

challenging our mental agility.

B R E A T H E

I am a dancer.

Push. Lift. Jump.

Faster. Harder. Higher.

Authentic bliss.

We are synergy, creating this explosive experience.

The relationship with my Gatorade bottle is strictly co-dependent.

Performance time.

We grasp our inner knowledge and

remember the continuous puddles of sweat that decorated the studio floor.

Rehearsals would never end.

"One more time, do it!"

Once our enemy, now our beloved friend.

The stage is black.

We will light it.

B R E A T H E

I am a dancer.

The curtain goes up.

Sound penetrates eardrums in the concentric circle of ascension and descension.

A prayer to bring volcanic propulsions to this work.

Here we go...

Flow

roll

I am lifted, traveling through space

my solo is next.

Downstage is mine!

I give to the onlookers, the art form.

New movements make previous ones intangible,

gone forever.

Sweat pouring

forced attention to intricate muscle groups

seven and a half minutes of solid intuition.

Rapid movement,

what next?

My body remembers

continuing the physical conversation

with the other beings.

We fascinate you.

B R E A T H E

I am a dancer.

Push, faster.

Jump, harder.

Lift, higher.

My cardiovascular endurance in a state of reality check.

Hit the ground

melt into the floor

Oh yeah, that lift!

I extend

We dance

I find you onstage

and feel your energy.

Are you tired too?

The audience views only tranquility.

Success.

Solo

Duet

Trio

Quartet

Unison

Wait, which part?

Oh yeah, let's go!

B R E A T H E

I am a dancer.

Almost there

halfway through

the gift is not over.

Barrel turn, fly!

The floor, ahh...

if I could stay here, would I?

Lift.

I jump.

You jump.

We're in this together.

The finale beckons at our feet.

Ok, let's do this!

Unison

Hit the floor with exhaustion

we see the weavings suspended above us.

They provide the thesis of the piece:

Bending spines

Rolling

Melting

Intertwining

Final prayer, that we portrayed the images he wanted.

Last night's strengths were built upon.

The art continues more perfectly.

B R E A T H E

I am a dancer.

I pushed faster.

Jumped harder.

Lifted higher.

Lights fade.

Audience erupts.

I calm my accelerated panting

and smile.

I drop my torso for the bow.

E X H A L E

2007-01-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

Aquarius: The Water Bearer.

Air=Movement.

Traits

Humanitarian
Inventive
Creative
Artistic
Individualistic
Original
Progressive
Independent
Tolerant
Logical
Intellectual
Altruistic

Temperamental
Eccentric
Radical
Impersonal
Rebellious
Unpredictable
Fixed in opinions
Shy (uh, not this aquarius)

Likes:

fighting for causes

dreaming and planning for the future

thinking of the past

good companions

having fun

independence

projects

Dislikes:

full of air promises

excessive loneliness

the ordinary

imitations

2007-01-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

Tissue

The wind still blows there
doors still revolve
the plants have grown over,
showing new signs of green...
----------------------------
There are remnants, leftovers
but they have passed...
the night the world felt shaken
situation saturated
and saturated
and saturated...
till there was no breath...
-----------------------------
They've moved forwards
on and on
new places
deeper senses
new conversations
greater planes and horizons...
levity of character, spirit.
-----------------------------
And yet, the traffic still moves
the lights turn
snow falls
and the place, the space in time
still exists...
pedestrians walk by, never knowing...
because the situation has overgrown with time...

2007-01-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

Lead by Example
(Chicago, 2002)

a phrase of accountability
a mantra.
a realization that others are watching, even when they don't know it...
a chance to put positive energy back into depleted situations.
a reason to be yourself.
an act of kindness.
freedom for individuality, the ability to capatilize on clarity...
a need to hear your own voice, and stir other's eardrums,
without saying a word.
a clever response to any given situation...
an influence in any moment to do good.
a choice...to grow.

2006-12-18T00:16:00.000-08:00

Alone is spending quality time with just yourself. Lonely is just being alone, sometimes even when you are with people.

2006-12-18T00:03:00.000-08:00

And Then...

You find yourself in one of those unmistakably fabulous Chicago nights...saturating culture, good drinks and great conversation, laughs and buzzing and bounce...and you can't help but end the evening with a quick study of the spine of architecture supporting the habit you wouldn't kick....being smitten with the Windy City and everything it has to offer....

2006-12-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

Get Out Of The Head and Into The Heart.

Coming from an arts background, I thrive in the realm of expression, abstract creation, movement, writing, enhancing self esteem through exploration and making something from nothing. I also come from an intellectual background. I am comfortable with sharing ideas, discussing concepts and learning from others as well as teaching. I like to read, I love books, I learn best when given the opportunity to share in dialogue and enjoy being challenged as much as I enjoy challenging.

Perhaps the most recent part of my adult development has been my intense quest for a real and true Jewish identity, one to call my own over the past 6 years. It has been an exciting whirlwind of trial and error, seeking structure and spontaneity with equal tenacity. I have listened most to the educators who have the knowledge and know how of combining heart with head, emotion with motion and spirituality with ritual. Throughout these mentorships, I have sifted through many a community and found lots of facets within the Jewish world. This has been just as suprising as it has been saddening, and yes, I've found plenty of embers of truth.

With these new experiences have come meeting new peers who have had very different backgrounds from mine. To be specific, I have met people who have been brought up in a world full of Jewish education, yeshiva, day school, seminary...you name it. There have been many times when I have been frustrated that I did not receive this same opportunity in my childhood and wished that my high school diploma meant that I could read Rashi, understand and argue the texts from a collective spinal memory and know the laws of Shabbat by heart. So I did the only thing I knew how to do when faced with this kind of realization--learn anyway, starting right away.

But as I faced the prospect of this new exploration, I found pieces of our heritage that spoke to me at a louder frequency that the nitty gritty words on ancient scroll. Somehow, what was placed in my path was a road paved with spirituality and experiences that made me realize I didn't have less than others. My next question was 'did I have more?' and I quickly understood that what I had was special and not less or more than another's, but quite simply, mine. And that made everyone else's process and background the same: quite simply, theirs. As the introductions deepened, I began to see the struggles of some of my friends in the positions I quietly coveted....expectations placed on them from an early age, community obligations, family commitments that didn't always acknowledge the voice of the individual, systems that don't represent catalysts for fostering a relationship with G-d that is based on love and clarity, not fear and worry. I began to witness the remnants of these educational blueprints in my friends and began to see that they struggled with knowing themselves deeply, didn't neccessarily have a clear understanding of emotional health and relating to others despite being told that the systems set up for their quality of life was meant to be sustaining and therefore, unquestionable on some levels.

But for these amazing people, truth-seekers, this is not enough of an explanation for them. "Just because" doesn't hold up in the fire of a quest for an authentic self. And I applaud their efforts to navigate the expectations set before them, especially when it means facing a loving and dedicated parent who might choose to feel as though they have failed if their child takes a different path.

That being said, there are many paths to G-d. And a person can't neccessarily directly access that path through the macrocosmic community, as it is comprised of many people. Quantifying the needs of the individual is a great task for the totality of the whole. However, that doesn't de-legitimize the awareness we must have that the attempt and intention to foster a relationship with creator is a deeply complex and sensitive process. So how can we expect community to agree with us when we embrace a voice that may be vastly different from the simple lines and rules that a body has agreed upon? And yet, the challenge of that struggle is that humans really weren't made to be alone, so an individual must create the boundaries for themselves when it comes to relating to an embodiment of ideals. That is, of course, if that group of people is sensitive and spiritually aware enough to place humanity before fences, heresay and comfort. And integrate with support and dialogue with rules.

Some who are focused primarily on technique are willing to admit they don't have the answers, but might say they do because they are informed they aren't meant to understand yet and might never. But they might not feel the results of their actions and can be ok with that. For those lacking technique and focused on only transient ideas and moments of inspiration, they potentially miss out on the grounded opportunity for sustainability and longjevity within a religio-spiritual context. They risk throwing the baby out with the bathwater, never experiencing the true value of tangible discipline and self sacrifice in order to accept something greater than yourself, previously unknown. This could require a lifestyle change, sometimes scary and might severely uproot familiarity but could prove to be better in the end.

I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Therefore, I am forced to question both examples of either ends of the spectrum. And resonating at a integrated, holistic level usually means having the freedom to breath and learn and grow in a way that is fueled by joy and not fear, integrating self awareness as priority rather than group as priority. It is problematic when people choose to justify their path to G-d as superior, devout and correct when they aren't willing to admit a person's divine connection is so unique, how could anyone know what resides in another's heart from the outside? And if a person does choose to intervene on that level, they better have good reason, better than 'just because' or 'my rabbi said...' At the same time, we have to recognize that there are reasons for everything and casting off painful challenges is equally unfair, for the uprooting of dirt becomes the opportunity to sharpen character.

I feel a sadness for the state of the world and I feel an equally deep sense of sadness for the Jewish community. It concerns me that we seem to be in a disarray about the path to our own souls and our ability to create positive healing in the world, our ultimate reason for being here.
I think really what is wanted from us is not just to blindly go through ritual or reminisce about the times when we 'felt so spiritual' but to find ways to connect the two and embrace ourselves as the holistic humans that we are--body, mind and spirit. And that means we are a heart, intellect and soul. These components have emotions, thoughts, feelings and desires...and need to be fed. If the spiritual community isn't feeding those facilities, people will go elsewhere for the desire is visceral.

That being said, how can we expect people to adhere to a system that is being presented to them as something that doesn't acknowledge the basic makeup of experience a person has on a daily basis? How can we leave our intuition at the door and step into a world that can't meet us where we are at?

When an individual finds truth within a system, how can they be a part of it when man doesn't acknowledge their human integrity? Why should we buy into a system that adheres so strictly to rules and regulations, at the expense of another's lifestyle? And how can we expect the other side to remain committed for the long haul when it only asks for 'the why' rather than 'the how' from the inception of commitment? If we cannot answer them sincerely, but are willing to reject their notions, how can we expect to work together as a people? Isn't struggling with the questions honestly righteous?

I have a friend who recently took an amazing risk of self sacrifice and conviction to create art geared to foster dialogue and provoke deep thought on a subject matter that isn't widely talked about. It was amazing to see this person's work and understand their process in the piece, as well as become more educated. This kind of experience is what we should have in community. A respect for a person's ideals and struggles, and willingness to embrace them inconjunction with embracing our own, letting it cause us to wrestle with our pre-concieved notions even if stepping out into the unknown. And the most beautiful part about this entire engagement is, when done right and little ego is involved, the two parties will inadvertently help foster a deeper sense of the other's voice and refinement.

If we can't understand, how can we act? And if we can't talk to one another, and become skilled at listening to honesty, then how can we live in a world of mutual respect and integrity while searching for ultimate truth? If we spent more time asking, 'what are you about?' and less time saying, 'the truth is,' 'we are supposed to,' 'you should,' perhaps if we were willing to engage the questions and struggles of the human mind, committed to creating safe space, we would be able to somehow live our way into the answer together, rather than thinking or floating there alone.

I don't think we can afford to alienate people. And I think it's possible when we decide to be flexible and live our ideas like clay, less concrete, we allow for others to engage as a person, rather than an individual. This approach is what allows for creativity, personal ownership and ultimately, a pure connection.

And if that's what we wish for ourselves and others, wouldn't we be willing to do whatever we can to help and not hinder one another?

We should be able to willingly walk through the door of truth and resonate there. But if it means standing there alone after entering the room, well...so be it...but that's just not good enough.

2006-12-10T12:28:00.000-08:00

Character Sketch
She sees the point and revels in the distance, looking for destinations, multiple directions.
She wants richness and fears unknown distractions.
She hopes for unmasked solitude, embracing change and opportunity.
Craves people on level, willing to exchange and give, listen and harness....
She wishes to find the ultimate place and recognizes:
the world moves quickly and people move slow, options on the table, we pick.
Conversations become boring, there is an all knowing that exists deeper than the "brimming synergy" advocate role.
She craves witness and wonders about daily life with someone watching activity...viewing missed spots of reality, the uncovered blind spot in action?
Aiding the process of refinement to create a better her, a better quality?
She wants rich days and stimulating nights, a place to call home...bright exterior and wealthy interior, representative of time not lost.
She fears jumping the gun and missing the boat, forgetting the process and feeling the fall...forgetting that life isn't easy, cues come when they do...she recognizes letting go and giving in, trying it on for size and giving it time-planting her feet...and yet, still, it scares her.

Forget the worry, wonder and cast it away.
Her heart knows the essence of what is lost, wondering in grey and black tones....
she craves the newness of seasonal change, understanding her own complexity and the ability delve freely into another, feet firmly planted in her place in the world.
With patience...she knows product is worth little if process is dishonest.
She looks up, simultaneously wanting to simply look around, settled with the moment at hand, at large and tangible.
She sees pain, has empathy but never gives advice. Offers experience.
She stirs a complete half but isn't certain of the recipe...better with others but needs unequivocal alone time...within reason.
Time and places of others inspire and scare...leaving a tightrope walk while juggling the odds--without looking down. She misses those days when time was less pertinent and books could be picked up and studied extensively, when did task take the place of tenure?
She follows her gut, loaded with intuition, seeks more knowledge, utilizes the emotion of gratitude...
Her eyes are fearless despite emanating confidence...
She articulates and speculates, letting enthusiasm carry amidst set up structure and stability....creates conversations expecting depth, forgets to carve space for priority but references the skill.
Remembering organic intention of arrival, she refreshes memory with treasures lost and found, lives the best of quality she has...hoping to live her questions into answers of the future....defining the current status of present: good.

2006-12-02T17:24:00.000-08:00

First Snow in Chicago and a Moment of True Friendship..

I always love the first snow of the year. It's quiet and romantic, illusions of white icing on the streets, covering rooftops and outlining windowsills. I was at the University of Chicago for Shabbat and had the opportunity to see a mixture of academic architechture with a white blanket glistening in the city streetlights.

Perhaps one of the greatest things about winter are the emotions that come along with it. Though many mornings can be greeted with frustration because of the blistering cold, the nightime can be an experience of cozy apartments with warm drinks, fuzzy socks and blankets. Winter seems to be a time of natural introspection and solace. This is my favorite part....Maybe Vivaldi captured the essence best when he composed the "4 Seasons" but I love the fact that each season creates landmarks in time for human growth.

Last night, one of my friends was concerned about my walk home from Shabbat dinner to the apartment where I was staying. I definitely won't get into a car on Shabbat, but my friend wouldn't let me walk home by myself. So she drove, very slowly, alongside my path, to ensure my safety. Truly it was a moment of true pluralism: She could have judged me for not wanting to get in a car so late at night and I could have judged her for driving on Shabbat. But this was not at all the case. And it was one of those delicious moments when you can't help but be thankful for having good friends in the world......

and in the meantime, I am really in the mood for a snowball fight and snow angels.....

2006-12-02T17:23:00.000-08:00

"I wish I could fire my yetzer hara (evil inclination).
The problem is, it's doing it's job."

2006-11-18T21:40:00.000-08:00

It is ART that makes life...makes interest, makes importance. And I know of no substitute for the force and beauty of it's process.

Mary Englebright

2006-11-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

Community of One?

Perhaps one of the most difficult things about youth is knowing what you are looking for, but not knowing where to find it. Perhaps even more difficult is knowing you are looking for something, but not knowing what it is. All are in search of a sympatico force, something that makes one feel connected by rhythmic motion in the world...that our presence matters and affects what is around us.

That being said, what does it really mean to be alone? People talk about feeling alone, being 'alone in a crowd' or 'one is a lonely number.' But is it really? Being alone means a time to clear your head. If one knows oneself, one is able to predict what you will get-hopefully most of us know ourselves well enough to be predictable. This is a good thing- we know what we like to eat, what we like to do in our own space, how to be comfortable at home after a long day....

So why the need to connect with others?

I know that people are such intricate, complex beings. The emotional inner blueprint is quite simply fascinating. It's difficult to match up with another, to be in the same place at the same time enough to resonate with them. Is this why we crave an ultimate partner, why we gamble our singlehood to have a chance at building a new world with another person that takes two people's needs into account? I think so....because it is not enough to just be in a room with someone. We can have true and sometimes better solace when we are alone....but to connect with another, not just over ideas or opinions, but through a true model of seeking to understand...that is the beginning of creating what could be a large world between a mere two people.

So why is it so powerful? Because individuals need an audience. We need a platform full of safe space to truly grow and actualize...and though we don't all know how to do it, I believe what we want is to be sought after to be understood.

So call me "Carrie Bradshaw Leah" (I really don't mind) but knowing that you have a place to come home to is great. Some of us hope that home ends up being in a 'found other'...but for others, and at least for now, that home could be friends, community, a job or a really great apartment. Whatever it is for you, may you find solace in the moment of your current home that you've created....and may you find the audience, playmate or playground you are looking for...we all need a place to exhale and put our feet up.

2006-10-29T18:44:00.000-08:00

After Dinner...

This past shabbat was the first time I had friends over for dinner in my new place...Parshat Noach. It was sooo great....I love having guests and having a reason to create atmosphere...
I have been working really hard to conquer the everlasting project of making my home feel like mine and this was no exception. I had to carry out the vision for my meal, complete with lighting, color choices for tablcloth and setting out utensils. I am not one for small talk at my shabbat table or even in general, so I was happy to know that my friends would be open to my expectation of high level conversation along with a holy meal.

I love having guests, being able to share a bit of the world I create of healthy food, kosher, vegan and appropriately spiced. (Hopefully). Some tidbits from the carefully crafted menu was date honey challah and brown rice curry, vegan brownies and apple-pumpkin ginger soup. I love to cook because it results in an experiential experience for all and it's an art form I can relax into rather than constantly critique myself while I'm doing it. But, I digress....

After Shabbat ended, I was in my apartment, surveying the wonderful mess that was left behind. Empty wine and grape voice bottles, telling the story of intense discussion over their lofty aromas, crumbs on the carpet and stains on the tablecloth, not to mention the pile high of dishes in the sink. But I didn't care, I was happy to clean up...for their was an energy of home in the air that hadn't existed previously despite my initiatives to decorate and organize to my heart's content. This time, I had invited guests to participate in a holy, organic experience. And when we decide to create that level of atmosphere and use our home as a canvas for uplifting the physical, that resonates longer than the experience itself...it lingers long after the guests had left. So now my home is infused with the holiness of Shabbat and I hope it lasts a long time....
thanks to my friends for so easily helping me make that experience.

Shavua tov....

2006-10-29T18:25:00.000-08:00

Free Spirit Moves the World

I have a friend. He lives in a constant state of positivity and forward motion. I have known him since I was nineteen and have always been amazed at his total and complete ability to define for the world in the truest sense what a real free spirit is.
Just because he wanted to, he decided one time to just move to an island, learn how to survive there and create a business from new artisan skills he developed in between rocking out to reggae rhymes and becoming deep friends with locals and tourists.

So now he has his own jewlery business...he sells coconut jewlery at concerts and festivals, online and wherever else he finds a place. At first, it was a small business venture, but it quickly grew with time. The coolest thing about my friend is that he doesn't have a business degree or anything formal...he truly operates out of his confidence, raw spirit and intuition. And it's so refreshing to see someone who is super successful working out of his core.

I recently got one of his rings and I was talking with a student and she noticed the ring. Turns out, she had a similar one she bought at a festival in California, from him. Random! I thought it was pretty cool...but then one day I was out to lunch and as I glanced over at a random booth, I saw a woman who was wearing one of his bracelets. In Chicago, no less. This was pretty cool, but then I saw someone in shul wearing it as well! And then someone on the street....ok, now this was no longer coincidental...

Everything that exists in the physical relm has a spiritual reason for being there. Let's take this bracelet for example. It's very physical, there to add beauty to the person who chose to decorate a limb. But behind that bracelet is a person who had a vision and created a business because he was passionate about his product. And he truly seeks beauty in the world, identifying it and praising as he goes along...so it makes sense that I am seeing his jewlery all around since his powerful free spirit is behind his work...enthusiasm goes a long way no matter what...perhaps one of his reasons for being here is to help make people feel good about themselves which is why he is so successful...

But I do know for sure that when I see this jewlery in the random places, it's a continual message to me, that he is there and so is his gift in the world...which reminds me that whatever actions we are taking on a daily basis, whatever we are doing with our spirit, be careful...because whether it's on someones wrist, conscience or scar tissue, we are leaving our imprints in small but powerful places in the world.

2006-10-29T18:17:00.000-08:00

Art is not for ego....

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite musicians is Ani Difranco.
She embodies an example of what I feel is the main purpose of art.
Some use it to illustrate ego. Some use it for attention and to show off.
But for those who falsely operate under these guidelines, I am here to say that the real responsibility of the artist is to bring light into the world, straight from a vision in their mind...
hopefully, this creates dialogue, raises questions and spearheads stimulating conversation amoung those who view it...hopefully it's validating or challenging on some level....
and so here, I share one of my favorite pieces, one that i feel very personally connected to...
read between the lines....as I step off my soapbox.

swandive
cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed
i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in
'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown
and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
im wiped and im wired but i guess its just as well
because i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell
and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
into shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around
'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better things to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land
i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is something i understand
i just need a couple vaccinations for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead and go boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering and stunned
and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown...

2006-09-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

It's just 5 minutes, does it matter?

So i'd been planning on going home for the new year for months...set up for meals, bag packed, plane ticket purchased...and only one thing missing...falling asleep the night before without setting my alarm. I was supposed to leave at 8:15am, and I woke up at 8:30am to find the lights on, missing items from my suitcase and much dis array.

So I did dream about setting my alarm in the middle of the night....

After a quick rendition of thanking G-d for returning me to the world, I scurried out of my humble abode and entered the world of the train.

9:05...darting up the train tracks, heavy bags in hand, only to have the brown line bluntly shut it's doors in my face...I could put my hand on the tangible vessel to take me to the destination but...ding, dong...'doors closing.' No such luck. I wait and I wait, until finally, the rush of the wind from the next train comes....
9:15....I board, while anxiously glancing at my watch, sure I had no chance of making it on time. Then, almost sarcastically, I hear the man's voice over the loudspeaker...'attention passengers, we are experiencing delays...there seems to be a problem with the tracks ahead....'
9:25....inching along, I realize, the first time I boarded a plane was at 15...for 10 years I had been using this modern genious creation of technology and never once had I ever missed a flight. Call it type A planning tendencies, call it whatever, but why was I about to miss such an important flight to be in an important destination at the most crucial time in the calendar?
9:45....on the orange line now and getting closer, near tears but hoping there's a prayer...
10:00...with a flight leaving at 10:25, there was no way I was going to make it...I might as well give up and accept the fact I was going to not see my family for the weekend...
10:10...."this is as far as this train goes, all passengers must exit..." and gladly, mr. el! I run up the stairs, dart through the escalator and rush to my entry point...hit the check in desk, watch as they place a "Late Check In" sticker on my bags and rush away....
10:20...I get to the first check in point...she checks my ID and opens my boarding pass envelope....no boarding pass....(what? that never happens to me either!!) and turn around and run back, still sure I am not going to make it and clueless as to why i am even trying at this point...don'teven firstborns still need to know when to give it a rest? Before I can even make it to the escalator, I see the wonderful woman who helped me rushing down the stairs, my boarding pass in hand..."ms. leah, ms. leah!" wow, such customer service....
10:23...I rush through the security point...the pointman tells me..."miss, walk, don't run!" I look at him and say, "Ok, sorry," but in my head, I'm thinking, 'dude, the world is about to be renwened and re-created in like 7 hours...if you knew that you would be running too!" But i didn't...
10:23-10:27....running to my gate....and darting through people and probably looking a bit shady and feeling like the world moves so fast when it doesn't work for me, and so slow when I don't need it to...
10:28...arrive at the gate, absolutely breathless...the attendant tells me, 'miss, please walk over to the counter and get another boarding pass...and don't worry, we arent leaving without you, there are plenty of passengers still boarding...'

By the skin of my teeth, I made it!
As I sat, panting, and in between two people deeply involved in the Tribune, I wondered, what could I learn from this experience?

Then, I realized, one of my goals for the previous month was to learn how to use time better, more efficiently, days filled with the energy of being meaningful and productive....maybe this was a very physical way of seeing that even if I had woken up early and used time differently, I would have made it on time, but would I have really wanted it as bad? I really realized that I reallly wanted to be home and since there were all these challenges in my path, I was forced to use time very strategically and keep my eyes on the end goal, not allowing distractions.

So too in life. Time goes by so much slower when we use each minute for a purpose, for our own development to actualize our potential and accept our challenges. I could have walked, but if I didn't run, I would have missed the flight...and because they were delayed, only by five minutes, I was able to make the plane to take me to a place I knew was really important for me to be....

So, in the hustle and bustle of our crazy busy world, does five minutes matter?
Yes, it does....it can mean the difference between getting left behind or boarding the plane that takes us to the next important place. In a society that so often mutters, 'i don't have time,' isn't it odd that we are yet so focused on the existence of the clock that simply makes 24 circles in the period called a day?

So be present.....time isn't a credit card after all....once it's gone, it's gone...
and planes, unlike trains, don't hesitate once they've left the platform......

2006-09-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Fall in Chicago

I love fall in Chicago...I always say the best time of year is summer, and it is, but fall is too, so I guess I have to flip a coin every year....
Today I was driving home from work and the clouds were amazing...they were just rolling in the sunset, grey, white and layered... they looked even more amazing with the contrast against the urban buildings, high up in the sky. But something about fall asks us to let go of the spontaneity of summer, and enter into an emotional solace within oneself...a deeper place of clarity, a preparation for the equal comforts and challenges that winter brings.
Fall means sunny days with cool air, great soup, sweaters on sale at numerous department stores and dark lipstick. Fall means thinking about warmer socks, thinking twice before opening windows and holding on to those last bits of adventures from summer. I often feel consistently wrapped in the solace of the season...maybe it has to do with all the holidays, maybe it could stand on it's own, but nonetheless, it's a great time to break down our own walls and think about how we want to hibernate in our heads...here comes steamy cups of tea and warm foods and cool air again...here comes the start of school and intuition and the magic of the rolling clarity that makes this world keep going....

so yes, I love fall in Chicago....but then again...I love Chicago no matter what......................

2006-09-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

The Ramban and I are homies...

"I'm not so religious, I'm more spiritual."

This phrase has always bothered me. I understand why people say it and it makes sense to search for something that is spiritual in such a materially saturated world...but it's not neccessarily grounded. Then again, being 'religious' isn't neccessarily grounded either.

We often have moments when we feel spiritual. They are real moments, deep, intrinsic and hopefully full of clarity.
We don't want to let them go, we could stay in that moment forever and not miss anything. Because we feel connected and fullfilled.
That moment of truth, of holistic purity inevitably passes. Why? If spirituality is what makes the world goes around, why can't we just be spiritual all day?

I learned a wonderful definition from a friend about spirituality.
Spirituality=knowing through experiences and actions.
We acquire and understand it because it is a knowing, not a thought. We feel it to be true, therefore there is no argument about whatever the spiritual experience is.
When we stand in nature, no one has to prove to us that the wind is blowing, the trees are green and the scene is beautiful.
You know that it is because your senses feel it, your eyes see it and your being is uplifted.
This could happen for any situation, a conversation with a good friend, a great meal, a meaningful and productive day, tears being shed in a moment of depth, looking at a great piece of art....depends on the person and what they find to be meaningful.

Why do we want spirituality? Do we want to float all day? Do we want to feel connected? How do we get there?
I think the reason why we have a sense of this urning is because we want to create hoiness...we want to uplift that which is around us.
So why is this something we have to work for? Why isn't it so obvious and easy to attain?

Because that which is holy is hidden. And it is up to us to move towards it, work for it and acquire it.
This example became most evident to me when I thought about my experience as a child in Hebrew School. I hated going to synagogue on Friday nights. Since I didnt live in a predominantly Jewish community, most of my friends were going out and being social. But I was stuck listening to the cantor. And I didn't understand why I had to sit there-couldn't we just have our services on Sundays just like the rest of society??Even Saturday night would be better!!
(If someone would have told me in that moment that I would one day be keeping shabbat, I would have laughed in their faces.)
Today, it's still that way...I am walking to shul on Friday night and the rest of the world is out having drinks and dinners at fun restaurants with friends. I could do that if I wanted to....but Shabbat never lets me down. Why go out?
Shabbat is a great example of that which is holy, but hidden. We have to be the ones who see it and work towards it. And when we do, we actually acquire it for our own, therefore, creating a spirituality that is our own, private, consistent and truly filled with wisdom according to our individual experiences. It's amazing....
Love is another example...sometimes it's hard to give love. Or maybe a person isn't so loving. but how can they acquire the spirituality to feel and be a more loving person? By doing acts of love, even if it isn't easy. When we will to do, in time we understand. We truly can exercise our spiritual and emotional muscles and become a deeper person through doing.

So maybe the statement isn't, I'm being spiritual. Maybe it's really, I'm doing spiritual.
And then is this really a question of religious or spiritual?
Then isn't it a question of what we are actually doing with our time to acquire and reveal sparks of holiness in the world?
Food for thought...spiritual food. :)

2006-09-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

You Pass

Drunken cubs fans crawl up the stairs, escorted by their loyal friends.
Arm and arm.
Laughter vibrates my eardrums
As I leap over the crushed fries
Embedded in the escalator stairs from days before.
El sounds
“doors closing”
I have your rhythm memorized from day one, Recorded
As my curious pupils star gazed at the city lights.
Daydreaming of an urban lifestyle to come.
People. Pretty, ugly, artsy, left-brained, focused, sleeping, reading, talking, listening…all mix in a train car to create
City synergy…an abyss of warmth.
From utopian tradition, of have’s vs. have nots.
The perfect segregation blend and opportunity commiserates right here.
In Chicago’s antique rollercoaster,
Depending on the hour.
My input is less than my output,
Three years counting…
It’s time for a change.
I have products brimming
In my head, swimming
And I gotta dance & stretch, wax & wane, produce publicly
With my accepted & celebrated…imperfection.
The journey that makes me and creates me.
I embrace change, challenge, balanced with “set up shop and settle….”
It’s not a crisis
I’m not self righteous
Just developing my voice
In this Midwestern flair….
I’ve overcome
And responded
To the streets
That summon one.

2006-09-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

How do you know it's really kosher?

So tonight I was kashering my stove and oven. It was great- fire blazing, heat arising, apartment getting hot...I could just see those wonderful shabbat meals being cooked in my very own studio kitchen.
But then I heard something. Like a pop...I walked into my kitchen to find a piece of gold wrapping on the floor from a wine bottle I hadn't yet opened.
But how did it get to the floor?
Then I saw what popped-the cork! The kitched got so hot, the wine bottle opened itself! L'chaim en solo! That is a pretty talented bottle of wine, even if the heat was affecting it.

So then the problem was apparent- what to do to salvage the wine.
Yet another moment when it pays to have a food afficiano for a brother.
I became informed that I needed to only replace the cork but it had been re-cooked, changing the chemistry of the wine. Tragedy.

But now at least I have a new hashgafa....According to the LMK Beit Din of Crunchy Chicago, a kitchen stove and oven isn't really kosher unless the wine bottles in your kitchen can make l'chaims by themselves.
....
And as I write this, wine bottle next to me, the cork pops off by itself again....
there is a new decree! The cork must pop off twice during the same evening the stove was kashered, or else it isn't a kosher kashering.

Man, my meals are going to be super spiritually pure.....:)

2006-08-23T19:19:00.001-07:00

Cleveland Rocks

Sometimes, there's no place like home. I am a city girl now, but I love what Cleveland has to offer when I'm here. Tonight I took a 9:30pm bike ride after having a long dinner on a back porch enclosed by trees and grass. It's not that the house is in the suburbs, the country or anything like that, but a group of three deer did happen to unexpectedly frolic past our dinner tonight. That was cool. It's quiet here, even at night. It's a great place to clear my head for elul, this month of preparation before the High Holidays. Good to appreciate different things having created an entirely new life in a new city from where I came. There are many diverse environments out there and one can merit from the energy of each place. I like the slow pace here, though I wouldn't give up public transportation for anything. It gives on independence of schedule, spontaniety and pursuit.

I haven't watched Drew Carey or visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Too much else to do.
But I have clicked my heels together and few times, hugged my mom and said, "there's no place like home."

Ok, back to Project Runway, commercial is almost over!

2006-08-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

Havdalah (Separation)

At the conclusion of Shabbat (Saturday night after you see three stars in the sky), there is a traditional service, earmarked to end the 24-hr period and transition us into the new week. It is my favorite service, though small, less is more in this case. What does one need to make this service? A cup of wine or grape juice, a strong smelling spice, a havdalah candle and the words. Not only are there many amazing tunes that go along with this sing-songy service, but the meaning behind the words is deep. One line that sticks with me in particular is hamavdil bayn kodesh l'chol, You are blessed, Lord, who makes a distinction between the secular and the sacred. (Translation from The NCSY Bencher) I love this concept because it seales off Shabbat and allows us to go back into the world with fresh holiness. It is stating that there is a difference between the two worlds. This boundary actually gives us freedom-freedom to use our space in time correctly according to where we are. This awareness gives us the ability to move more freely through our lifestyle, giving deeper meaning to each moment.

I love the idea of separation: the place at which a division or parting occurs. This word is applicable in many circumstances, not just entering the mundane from the holy. We separate day from night, from ourselves to people, work from play, friends from family, school to profession, good from bad. When we have the wisdom to recognize which part of our world we are dabbling in at each moment, we can truly be there. When we recognize we are in the world, but we don't have to be of the world, it helps carve out spatial integrity, further defining our own individuality.

So maybe think more about the meaning of the havdalah service before doing it next time.
It's deeply permeating.

2006-08-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

I Love Sex and the City

It's been criticized. It's been frowned upon.
I know, I know, but I love it. And it's deeper than just a favorite show. After all, there is motivation behind everything....

Here's why:
The script is brilliant, it moves quickly with wit, pushing the envelope and taking a stand.
For a single women in today's world, it offers a solace that is hard to match. The writers of the show have tackled every issue, from the challenges of transitioning from singlehood to married, challenges of intimacy, dealing with cancer, dating, dating, dating to no end result, trying to get pregnant, shopping, an invasive mother in law, the balance of self within a pair. The show always paints a hilarious and yet equally frustrating picture about the situations men create for women...it colors the ups and downs of figuring out who you are as a woman taking space for herself in this modern world, managing career and friends, heartbreaks and healing, new discoveries and old wisdom. Yes, it's indulgent at times, fantasy can overstep reality, but it beckons a dialogue about the challenges we do face.

That is our reality. And it's nice to relate to it with laughter and understanding, knowing full well there are others in our boat of single struggle and self-discovery. There will be more on this later. :)

2006-08-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hierarchy of Heels
(As seen on Kahnversyneergy, January 31, 2006)

Anyone who knows me at all knows about my passion for taking care of my body in order to further my technique as a dancer. Thus my lifestyle must reflect this. So, naturally, I must have comfortable shoes for my feet in order to keep up with the constant rigor that dance technique demands on it's perfectionists. A friend of mine once declared that one day she would find me with very expensive shoes, ergonomically designed for my feet.

And alas, that day has come. My little red earth shoes,(i tell my rabbis little daughter they are my princess shoes when I see her at shul)designed to create good posture, a harmonious lower back experience and overall comfort for the chi, vegan even!! They sit in my closet contently, probably thankful I have many articles of clothing that match their bright color. They are cute. Unique. Stylish. Comfortable. As my 'vogue' brother would say, "they are within SFF code. Style, form and function." The 3 most important questions when buying new kicks.
If you look at my wardrobe, you will see a thread of similarity on the floor amongst the shoes. I definitely like to be grounded when walking. I like color. Comfort. Artistic expression can extend to all limbs of the body.

So my feet can have it all, right? But as of late, I seem to have entered a new genre of life....the post college, single, (as in not married Neer fans) young, empowered professional. What does this mean? A level of status. Regular paychecks. An office, desk, computer, my own voicemail! Meetings. Emails. Business casual. Conferences. Analytical conversations.
What is missing from this equation?
3 inch high heeled shoes.
Yes, my friends. A status symbol that has somehow sustained the modern female, even post feminist intense movement.
I am not sure what it was that caused me to decide that I must have high heels, but as soon as I saw the sale, I marched into Nine West, on a mission.
Cheapest price. Comfortable as possible. CUTE. CUTE. CUTE. (I seemed to have forgotten my brother's fool proof formula as soon as I saw the reflection in the mirror.) My sister's squealing definitely didn't help the resistance. And then, my outer monologue battle began......"I don't know, " I reasoned. "They are kind of high. But they are so cute! They might really hurt my feet. But they are so cute! Where can I walk in them? Ah, they are so cute! Won't they be uncomfortable? But I love them! They are so cute!" Sure, they were definitely much higher than I had ever worn before, but I am an adult. I am powerful. I have a BA from Columbia College Chicago. I have earned the right to prance.I walked out of the store, bag in hand. It seemed the style and form team had won, 4-0.

Later that week, when I "pranced" to the Green Mill to meet a friend, my feet started to hurt. Ache even. Then my knees started feeling weak. This was hardly in the disclaimer when the store clerk announced the terms of agreement for returns, which included not wearing the shoes outside. As soon as I got to the bar, I wanted a stool more than a drink. But alas, we had gotten there late (probably due to my lag time on account of 3 inches below my heels) and all seats were taken. I surveyed the crowd, ready to beg an understanding female for her empathy and see if she would give up her seat for my poor soles. I could locate no one.

Since I couldn't return the shoes, I figured my co-worker, an amazing ballroom/salsa/bellydancing girl would want to invest in such a pretty pair of heels. I brought them to work, promising to name a good price especially for her. As she walked around, a familiar dialogue began bouncing off the walls....."They are kind of high. But they are so cute! They might really hurt my feet. I can walk in them. They are so cute! They do fit my feet... Ah, they are so cute! Won't they be uncomfortable? But I love them! They are so cute! I do need good black shoes...."
As I waited for her inevitable trial run to conclude, I wondered if I actually wanted to give up the shoes. I could wear them to dinner. But no dancing. Cabs would be the only mode of transportation...couldn't even drive stick in them. Meetings at work, yes, definitely.....wait, no, I already decided to sell them, what am I thinking about??!!!!
Rachel appeared back in my office. "Man, they are so cute. But I just can't justify wearing them. I do have plantar fasciitus. Here you go." She walked out of my office, liberated from her struggling monologue. (Did the battle only happen when they are on your feet, I wondered?)
I think I should have handed the shoes to the store clerk and said exactly what Rachel proclaimed to me. Maybe next time, I will. But instead, I now own the cutest and highest pair of high heels I've ever had. Don't tell my napropath. In the meantime, I think I will work on getting someone to take me to dinner. He's driving.

2006-08-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

Planting Roots
(Published in The Hillel International Weekly eNewsletter, July 2006)

I am a Hillel professional, artist, Hebrew schoolteacher and Bar Mitzvah tutor. I live in a modern Orthodox community, but I did not grow up in this sect of Judaism. When asked about my 'gateway experience' I always, with the utmost enthusiasm, answer: "birthright." It opened the door to Hillel at Kent State University for me, where I served as student president for two years. It was birthright israel that introduced me to Jewish friends, planted the seeds for my value of marrying Jewish and opened my eyes to the land of Israel. This was the trip that made the depths of my heritage accessible.

My sister is six years younger than me. A freshman at DePaul University in Chicago, she often found herself dragged to Shabbatot and programs at the University of Chicago Hillel, where she witnessed my work, whether she wanted to or not. When I spend Shabbat in my own community, she again is in the presence of my chosen life. Being her older sister, I of course want to share the joy I found in our ancient tradition, but I was careful not to blindly encourage her to follow my path. One Friday night, after a lively Shabbat meal, she asked, 'Why do you like Shabbat so much?' I was happy that she asked, but I felt unprepared for the question. "Well, Rachel, I love the idea of taking time off, letting the world stop amidst weekly demands. I love that in the middle of the city, every week I will share a spiritual experience with a community of people who are striving for communal goals. I have the opportunity to reflect with little distractions for 24 hours….and I love seeing my friends and eating lots of food!" I answered. She laughed and seemed satisfied. Soon after, she signed up for birthright israel. I was super excited!

Ever the careful big sister, I wanted to give her space to carve out her own course. It might not change her world, I thought. Quickly her passport came, her deposit was paid, the packing began…and then, the "Torah of the birthright trip" - THE ITINERARY arrived. It had certainly improved since I went six years ago! There were camel rides and Bedouin tents, the Dead Sea, Masada and Tzefat. I was pumped, but I didn't place wishes on her Jewish journey. She left and it seemed like no time had passed when she called me saying: "Guess where I am? On top of Masada at 6am! We hiked up here!" As she described the view, I could picture where she was standing. Later she told me the reason for her call. She is the second person from our entire family to travel to Israel. Since I had been there too, I was the only one who could understand her moment of connectivity.

On the night of her arrival back from Israel, I came home to my apartment from a long day at work. The escalating conflict in the Middle East had begun to intensify while she was in the hands of El Al. As I pushed open the door, there she was: sun-tanned face, white Israeli headband secured firmly to her brown hair, wearing her blue birthright shirt listing the group's top inside jokes. And an image I had not anticipated, my sister, not checking her email, anxiously waiting to hear from her new friends but tracking the news from the Middle East online. This was a shocker. The most interest she had ever shown in news was from the Weather Channel. She showed me the gifts for family and friends and the items she had bought for herself.

On my first trip to Israel I had bought her a Magen David that she has never taken off. I asked her why she didn't buy herself a new one? "This is the star you gave me and the first one I got from Israel, why do I need another one?" she replied. Into my hands she thrust my present: small Shabbat candles and a havdalah set from Tzefat. "What are these for?" I asked. "Whenever your next Shabbat is in Israel... I need an excuse to go back, and what better than to visit you?!" was her answer.

As a Hillel professional, I strive to provide top-notch programming and leadership opportunities in every shape or form. I do my best to serve as a resource, an accessible mentor and a passionate Jewish educator. Yet it is the student who can 'takeaway' and be touched by an experience. I deem my role successful only if a student clearly grows during their college years. But how can we know what effectively plants roots in each individual? When I bought my sister that special Star of David six years ago, I hoped it would give her a small connection to Israel. It was clear to me why she didn't want a new one. It was a small doorway, beginning her journey there. It was a root planted.

In our work with students, we try to plant roots that they will one day learn to water themselves. Suddenly, I had another realization. My sister gave me the candles to keep lighting my own fire. And just like that, she helped me along my path, reminding me to keep leading by example. We should all do our best to continually keep our own fires lit, as strong Jewish educators, able to emanate light to students. When they respond, as strengthened community members, let it re-inspire us on our own Jewish journey, embracing new fires to light our own paths. Rachel's group had a photo taken at the Western Wall. In it, there are many faces smiling, full of life and happiness, arms around each other, excited about the next item on the itinerary. The tagline says: 'birthright israel... The journey is just beginning.' I truly believe it is.

2006-08-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

Columbia College Chicago, More than Just My Alma Mater

And no, it's not affiliated with Columbia University in New York.
This is the urban media arts school, a vertical campus in Chicago's South Loop, working to produce little warriors on a spiritual mission to create creative change in our world.
Learning to healing the world through skilled artistry? It doesn't get much better than that...
Here's the explanation from the website:

Why Columbia? Because at Columbia you can do it: follow your passion for art, media, and self-expression and get a real education with a real future - not one that starts deeply in debt.
What makes it extraordinary? The faculty is working - and so are you.
Our average class has about 17 students taught by faculty who are working professionals in their fields. They're doing what you want to do: write, publish, make art, make books, broadcast, film, record, photograph, dance, digitize, and act...And they're great teachers who share their work, their questions, and their experiences with you. You'll be on firm ground. A Columbia education marries professional training with the educational breadth of a liberal arts curriculum. They gain a first-hand understanding of the world's history and cultures, and the achievements of its peoples' while mastering critical thinking and effective writing, two hallmarks of a liberal education. You'll be ready. While at Columbia you'll develop a "portfolio" or "body of work" that serves as a measure of your education and your development as an artist or communicator, as well as a bridge to the professional world you'll enter upon graduation.

At Columbia, I was able to enter the doors and sharpen my voice. I found mentors with open arms and peers who had similar agendas to mine. It was an explosion and celebration of art, an everyday, out-of-the-box experience. And an urban education for sure! I met so many people from different backgrounds, shaped a new lens for my world and was able to find nuturing within the academia. It taught me to be a self sufficient professional, know what questions to ask and gave me confidence to follow my desires. It's not perfect, but it is an oasis of something unique and like any piece of art....it's a work in progress....

Leah Kahn, Admissions Counselor?

2006-08-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

Project Runway...any reality in reality shows?

Ok...I am not one to follow reality shows. I think a lot of them are degrading and tarnishing to the human spirit, but Project Runway has caught my attention. Usually, when one is dedicated to an art form, one can translate understanding about other forms and mediums using knowledge gained from the craft already being perfected . But this has caught my fascination as I am amazed at the creativity and depth the designers move on with their assignments. How could anyone make a glamorous gown out of materials from a recycling plant?!!

I see a bit of spirituality in this show. The concept of taking something from nothing and making a wearable garb of clothing from it- that's a transferable skill. We all have the power to create something from nothing. We can do it through character refinement, our schedules, old scraps lying around the house and words that haven't been said yet. We can use free will: for good and positive change or for bad and emptiness.
And it is apparent on the show the way the designers handle themselves amidst stress, competition and judgement. The ones who stand out are the ones who are committed to operating out of their own moral code and not anyone else's. Yay for art!

I wonder what will happen this Wednesday, as we are down to eight of them and they will be designing for the everyday woman.... I miss Alison already..she was so relaxed and in her own world....Oh man, listen to me!

2006-08-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

These are a few of my Favorite Things...

Musicals
Dance Class
Fall Season and the High Holidays
Spatial Integrity
Deep Conversations with Friends
Good music
Summers in Chicago
School Supplies
Choreographing
Being around those working to control their egos
Books
Jewlery
Home
Creating
The beginning of a new relationship
Good feedback and positive praise
dedicated mentors
Israel
Family
Feeling Gratitude
Torah classes, giving new direction
Unexpected childhood memories
Re-uniting with old friends
feeling humbled
Adventures
Diversity of people
Newness
High Shabbatot
Organic Food
The Chicago Diner
Journaling
Bookstores
My to do lists
Yoga
Structured schedule with room for creativity
plans
my sister, playing guitar
watching my brother cook
tea, at any hour
dessert @ 4pm on a weeday with my best friend
Trader Joes
Boundaries
Columbia College Chicago
Planners
a chevra
decorating
thunderstorms
sick days
crunchy people
parking spots
Argo Tea and Intelligensia
a vegan shabbat meal
ani difranco lyrics
feeling grounded
work

2006-08-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

Public vs. Private Sphere

In Judaism, many of our personal decisions inevitably reach the public.
When a women gets married, her choice to cover, or not cover her hair, becomes apparent.
When a couple 'rendez-vous' in the dating world, there seems to be an unspoken timeframe for when the 'when are you getting married?' questions begin to fly.
Married couples face questions about children. Single people must face questions about dating, we add commentary about lifestyle, job, apartments.....etc.

While I always try and cast off these questions as people 'just trying to show they care,' it becomes difficult to filter out who is expressing genuine concern and who is acquiring material for their next gossip session. I write this post not to sound cynical or judgemental, but I do wish to bring light on this habit we have slipped into. I want to hold us accountable (including myself) and ask that we think twice before falling into intrusive questions that seem to have become an all too familiar part of our culture.

And all the while, it seems we all feel comfortable telling each other how the mitzvot are supposed to play out in an individual's life. "Oy! You aren't supposed to cut the challah that way! You shouldn't ask for things while davening on Shabbos...Israel should be doing x with their army/government and then y would happen...."

Each person creates a letter of the Torah. Each person has a whole world coming forth from their eyes. But what does this mean exactly? It means that each person is a whole world of process, not product. Each person is walking through life, trying to maintain a relationship with G-d, themselves, others and the ever un-predictable world. Who has time for shoulds from others? Let's take a moment to breakdown these words choices which have penetrated our verbal culture....words do create our world after all...

Should:
Something that will take place or exist in the future. An order, promise, requirement, or obligation. The will to do something or have something take place.

Supposed:
Presumed to be true or real without conclusive evidence; Intended.
(thank you dictionary.com)

These words are powerful and presumptious. Do we really want to be continuously creating relationships with these expectations? Is that really fair to your listener? After all, isn't this part of the vocabulary that has perpetuated the Jewish guilt we know to be true?

The thing is, when we ask questions and provide unwanted commentary like this, we distance ourselves from each other. Here's why...Let's take the un-engaged but long term dating couple. Let's say someone asks them when they are getting married...You could be walking into a landmine of emotional struggles. What if marraige is something they are really trying to work towards but aren't getting to yet? What if they want to get married but a parent is getting in the way? Let's take a married couple who doesn't yet have kids. What if they can't get pregnant and they are trying really hard? What if they just came to terms with the fact that they can't have kids and are working towards adoption?

My point is, we negate the emotions that may be painfully hidden beneath the surface of a person when we ask questions that pressure an individual to keep up with our social norms.
How about instead of making conversation about where our friends 'should' be going, we make conversation about the joy of where we are at. Life is a process that is not black and white. It is circular. The process of building awareness means making mistakes and learning from them. And when we make those mistakes, it's our friends we need the most. Each person is in a dancing relationship with G-d and for each person, that means a different paradigm that is able to recieve levels of the light of sha'mayim (heaven) differently than someone else.

We are all in different places. Let's do a little more celebrating with where we're at rather than where we think everyone else should be. And the next time we find ourselves offering suggestions to others, let's ask ourselves, 'am I really listening to this person and trying to be helpful? Or does my own lens need some refinement?'

2006-08-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

space to speak... space to exhale... space for a soapbox...humbly, of course.
space to process.... to be imperfect.

and yet, remain calm....