Alone is spending quality time with just yourself. Lonely is just being alone, sometimes even when you are with people.

And Then...

You find yourself in one of those unmistakably fabulous Chicago nights...saturating culture, good drinks and great conversation, laughs and buzzing and bounce...and you can't help but end the evening with a quick study of the spine of architecture supporting the habit you wouldn't kick....being smitten with the Windy City and everything it has to offer....

Get Out Of The Head and Into The Heart.

Coming from an arts background, I thrive in the realm of expression, abstract creation, movement, writing, enhancing self esteem through exploration and making something from nothing. I also come from an intellectual background. I am comfortable with sharing ideas, discussing concepts and learning from others as well as teaching. I like to read, I love books, I learn best when given the opportunity to share in dialogue and enjoy being challenged as much as I enjoy challenging.

Perhaps the most recent part of my adult development has been my intense quest for a real and true Jewish identity, one to call my own over the past 6 years. It has been an exciting whirlwind of trial and error, seeking structure and spontaneity with equal tenacity. I have listened most to the educators who have the knowledge and know how of combining heart with head, emotion with motion and spirituality with ritual. Throughout these mentorships, I have sifted through many a community and found lots of facets within the Jewish world. This has been just as suprising as it has been saddening, and yes, I've found plenty of embers of truth.

With these new experiences have come meeting new peers who have had very different backgrounds from mine. To be specific, I have met people who have been brought up in a world full of Jewish education, yeshiva, day school, seminary...you name it. There have been many times when I have been frustrated that I did not receive this same opportunity in my childhood and wished that my high school diploma meant that I could read Rashi, understand and argue the texts from a collective spinal memory and know the laws of Shabbat by heart. So I did the only thing I knew how to do when faced with this kind of realization--learn anyway, starting right away.

But as I faced the prospect of this new exploration, I found pieces of our heritage that spoke to me at a louder frequency that the nitty gritty words on ancient scroll. Somehow, what was placed in my path was a road paved with spirituality and experiences that made me realize I didn't have less than others. My next question was 'did I have more?' and I quickly understood that what I had was special and not less or more than another's, but quite simply, mine. And that made everyone else's process and background the same: quite simply, theirs. As the introductions deepened, I began to see the struggles of some of my friends in the positions I quietly coveted....expectations placed on them from an early age, community obligations, family commitments that didn't always acknowledge the voice of the individual, systems that don't represent catalysts for fostering a relationship with G-d that is based on love and clarity, not fear and worry. I began to witness the remnants of these educational blueprints in my friends and began to see that they struggled with knowing themselves deeply, didn't neccessarily have a clear understanding of emotional health and relating to others despite being told that the systems set up for their quality of life was meant to be sustaining and therefore, unquestionable on some levels.

But for these amazing people, truth-seekers, this is not enough of an explanation for them. "Just because" doesn't hold up in the fire of a quest for an authentic self. And I applaud their efforts to navigate the expectations set before them, especially when it means facing a loving and dedicated parent who might choose to feel as though they have failed if their child takes a different path.

That being said, there are many paths to G-d. And a person can't neccessarily directly access that path through the macrocosmic community, as it is comprised of many people. Quantifying the needs of the individual is a great task for the totality of the whole. However, that doesn't de-legitimize the awareness we must have that the attempt and intention to foster a relationship with creator is a deeply complex and sensitive process. So how can we expect community to agree with us when we embrace a voice that may be vastly different from the simple lines and rules that a body has agreed upon? And yet, the challenge of that struggle is that humans really weren't made to be alone, so an individual must create the boundaries for themselves when it comes to relating to an embodiment of ideals. That is, of course, if that group of people is sensitive and spiritually aware enough to place humanity before fences, heresay and comfort. And integrate with support and dialogue with rules.

Some who are focused primarily on technique are willing to admit they don't have the answers, but might say they do because they are informed they aren't meant to understand yet and might never. But they might not feel the results of their actions and can be ok with that. For those lacking technique and focused on only transient ideas and moments of inspiration, they potentially miss out on the grounded opportunity for sustainability and longjevity within a religio-spiritual context. They risk throwing the baby out with the bathwater, never experiencing the true value of tangible discipline and self sacrifice in order to accept something greater than yourself, previously unknown. This could require a lifestyle change, sometimes scary and might severely uproot familiarity but could prove to be better in the end.

I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Therefore, I am forced to question both examples of either ends of the spectrum. And resonating at a integrated, holistic level usually means having the freedom to breath and learn and grow in a way that is fueled by joy and not fear, integrating self awareness as priority rather than group as priority. It is problematic when people choose to justify their path to G-d as superior, devout and correct when they aren't willing to admit a person's divine connection is so unique, how could anyone know what resides in another's heart from the outside? And if a person does choose to intervene on that level, they better have good reason, better than 'just because' or 'my rabbi said...' At the same time, we have to recognize that there are reasons for everything and casting off painful challenges is equally unfair, for the uprooting of dirt becomes the opportunity to sharpen character.

I feel a sadness for the state of the world and I feel an equally deep sense of sadness for the Jewish community. It concerns me that we seem to be in a disarray about the path to our own souls and our ability to create positive healing in the world, our ultimate reason for being here.
I think really what is wanted from us is not just to blindly go through ritual or reminisce about the times when we 'felt so spiritual' but to find ways to connect the two and embrace ourselves as the holistic humans that we are--body, mind and spirit. And that means we are a heart, intellect and soul. These components have emotions, thoughts, feelings and desires...and need to be fed. If the spiritual community isn't feeding those facilities, people will go elsewhere for the desire is visceral.

That being said, how can we expect people to adhere to a system that is being presented to them as something that doesn't acknowledge the basic makeup of experience a person has on a daily basis? How can we leave our intuition at the door and step into a world that can't meet us where we are at?

When an individual finds truth within a system, how can they be a part of it when man doesn't acknowledge their human integrity? Why should we buy into a system that adheres so strictly to rules and regulations, at the expense of another's lifestyle? And how can we expect the other side to remain committed for the long haul when it only asks for 'the why' rather than 'the how' from the inception of commitment? If we cannot answer them sincerely, but are willing to reject their notions, how can we expect to work together as a people? Isn't struggling with the questions honestly righteous?

I have a friend who recently took an amazing risk of self sacrifice and conviction to create art geared to foster dialogue and provoke deep thought on a subject matter that isn't widely talked about. It was amazing to see this person's work and understand their process in the piece, as well as become more educated. This kind of experience is what we should have in community. A respect for a person's ideals and struggles, and willingness to embrace them inconjunction with embracing our own, letting it cause us to wrestle with our pre-concieved notions even if stepping out into the unknown. And the most beautiful part about this entire engagement is, when done right and little ego is involved, the two parties will inadvertently help foster a deeper sense of the other's voice and refinement.

If we can't understand, how can we act? And if we can't talk to one another, and become skilled at listening to honesty, then how can we live in a world of mutual respect and integrity while searching for ultimate truth? If we spent more time asking, 'what are you about?' and less time saying, 'the truth is,' 'we are supposed to,' 'you should,' perhaps if we were willing to engage the questions and struggles of the human mind, committed to creating safe space, we would be able to somehow live our way into the answer together, rather than thinking or floating there alone.

I don't think we can afford to alienate people. And I think it's possible when we decide to be flexible and live our ideas like clay, less concrete, we allow for others to engage as a person, rather than an individual. This approach is what allows for creativity, personal ownership and ultimately, a pure connection.

And if that's what we wish for ourselves and others, wouldn't we be willing to do whatever we can to help and not hinder one another?

We should be able to willingly walk through the door of truth and resonate there. But if it means standing there alone after entering the room, well...so be it...but that's just not good enough.

Character Sketch
She sees the point and revels in the distance, looking for destinations, multiple directions.
She wants richness and fears unknown distractions.
She hopes for unmasked solitude, embracing change and opportunity.
Craves people on level, willing to exchange and give, listen and harness....
She wishes to find the ultimate place and recognizes:
the world moves quickly and people move slow, options on the table, we pick.
Conversations become boring, there is an all knowing that exists deeper than the "brimming synergy" advocate role.
She craves witness and wonders about daily life with someone watching activity...viewing missed spots of reality, the uncovered blind spot in action?
Aiding the process of refinement to create a better her, a better quality?
She wants rich days and stimulating nights, a place to call home...bright exterior and wealthy interior, representative of time not lost.
She fears jumping the gun and missing the boat, forgetting the process and feeling the fall...forgetting that life isn't easy, cues come when they do...she recognizes letting go and giving in, trying it on for size and giving it time-planting her feet...and yet, still, it scares her.

Forget the worry, wonder and cast it away.
Her heart knows the essence of what is lost, wondering in grey and black tones....
she craves the newness of seasonal change, understanding her own complexity and the ability delve freely into another, feet firmly planted in her place in the world.
With patience...she knows product is worth little if process is dishonest.
She looks up, simultaneously wanting to simply look around, settled with the moment at hand, at large and tangible.
She sees pain, has empathy but never gives advice. Offers experience.
She stirs a complete half but isn't certain of the recipe...better with others but needs unequivocal alone time...within reason.
Time and places of others inspire and scare...leaving a tightrope walk while juggling the odds--without looking down. She misses those days when time was less pertinent and books could be picked up and studied extensively, when did task take the place of tenure?
She follows her gut, loaded with intuition, seeks more knowledge, utilizes the emotion of gratitude...
Her eyes are fearless despite emanating confidence...
She articulates and speculates, letting enthusiasm carry amidst set up structure and stability....creates conversations expecting depth, forgets to carve space for priority but references the skill.
Remembering organic intention of arrival, she refreshes memory with treasures lost and found, lives the best of quality she has...hoping to live her questions into answers of the future....defining the current status of present: good.

First Snow in Chicago and a Moment of True Friendship..

I always love the first snow of the year. It's quiet and romantic, illusions of white icing on the streets, covering rooftops and outlining windowsills. I was at the University of Chicago for Shabbat and had the opportunity to see a mixture of academic architechture with a white blanket glistening in the city streetlights.

Perhaps one of the greatest things about winter are the emotions that come along with it. Though many mornings can be greeted with frustration because of the blistering cold, the nightime can be an experience of cozy apartments with warm drinks, fuzzy socks and blankets. Winter seems to be a time of natural introspection and solace. This is my favorite part....Maybe Vivaldi captured the essence best when he composed the "4 Seasons" but I love the fact that each season creates landmarks in time for human growth.

Last night, one of my friends was concerned about my walk home from Shabbat dinner to the apartment where I was staying. I definitely won't get into a car on Shabbat, but my friend wouldn't let me walk home by myself. So she drove, very slowly, alongside my path, to ensure my safety. Truly it was a moment of true pluralism: She could have judged me for not wanting to get in a car so late at night and I could have judged her for driving on Shabbat. But this was not at all the case. And it was one of those delicious moments when you can't help but be thankful for having good friends in the world......

and in the meantime, I am really in the mood for a snowball fight and snow angels.....

"I wish I could fire my yetzer hara (evil inclination).
The problem is, it's doing it's job."